Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh
I need guidance, recently I feel down. I'm having problems with balancing Sikhi and normal daily tasks.
Currently I am in my last year at university and have a lot of work, I also have OCD/Pure-O which means I get messed up thoughts and sometimes they really do get to me. I have quite a few problems so will try and shorten them down.
I find it hard to do any path, even the shortest bania will take me a long time to do and whenever I do complete the bani instead of feeling at peace I get headaches. I would say it takes me 40 minutes to do Japji Sahib and 10 minutes to do Kirtan Sohila. It really annoys me that I can't do it my bania quicker, I have been doing this for two years and don't think I can carry on this the rest of my life. I just keep stopping and repeating some tuks over and over again because I feel I have pronounced it wrong and feel like Guru Ji is going to tell me off.
Because of my OCD I find it hard to make a decision, I will spend a lot of time considering whether what i'm going to do is the best choice for my Sikhi. I just end up thinking about it all the time and just feel down and exhausted after.
I can't control my kaam, every week I just end up going on the internet and doing bad stuff. After I feel sick and I feel I don't deserve to be a Sikh.
I get some many bad thoughts, but Guru Ji kirpa I've learnt to live with them, but it kills me inside and makes me worried whenever I get a bad thought about Guru Ji, a mahapurkh or a Shaheed. When I sit down in the sangat it is more hard, my mind just says so many bad stuff about people. Also because of my OCD my mind is messed up, for example sometimes when looking up and where I look happens to be a girl, i automatically think I've done something bad.
The time i do bania, are all over the place. I don't wake up at amrit vela and my evening path I sometimes do at 10/11pm. When I go uni sometimes I would reach home round 6/7 but I'm to tired and hungry to straight away to do my Rehras Sahib Ji, so i end up doing it late, sleep late and wake up late. I listen Rehras sahib Ji when travelling from back to uni but I feel guilty, and end up doing it later at home.
Because of my OCD, I wash my hands alot and my skin gets bad after a few days. I also live in family which drinks and has meat, so I feel like stuff is contaminated.
Currently i am not Amritdari and to be honest I hardly do any simran.
My morning routine is:
When I go uni I start path at 8
When i don't go uni start path about 11/12
Jaap Sahib (listen and follow along as much as I can)
Tav prasad savaiye
Chaupai Sahib (listen and recite along)
Anand Sahib (listen but when doing worldly things if at home or on the train)
Hukamnama (if i have uni i will read it in the night)
Rehras Sahib Ji
Simran (10 minutes if lucky)
I feel all over the place at the moment, and not even studying much because I can't find the right balance.
Please forgive me if i said anything wrong, offensive or wasted your time.
Sat Sri Akaal