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Husband Wife Jokes - I Love These

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A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,

"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". .

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter. .

Husband: "The window won't open! That's a maintenance matter !"

-- --------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

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One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says “Oh just a beer”. The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong, why are you so down today?”. The man said “My wife and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month”. The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”? The man said “Well the month is up tonight”.

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Two husbands were having a conversation, First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife made a wish too, but she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am." The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up."

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A married couple went out to a nice restaurant to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. While driving home the wife saw a tear coming from her husband’s eye. “Are you happy that we have spent 50 splendid years together?” she said. He said, “No. I was just thinking about our wedding and how your father threatened me with a shotgun that if I didn’t marry you right then he would have me thrown in prison for 50 years. Tomorrow I could have been free!”

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Husband- "tere baap ki jaley par namak chidakne ki adat gayi nahi?"

Wife- kyo kya hua?

Husband- aaj fir se puch raha tha "Meri beti se shadi karke kush to ho na?

------------------------

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook!!

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Best Slogan on a MAN's T-Shirt :

"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed..."

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Man : Sir, my wife is missing.
Postman : Yeh post office hai, Police station nahi.
Man: Oh sorry . . . . . . . .
Sala khushi ke mare kaha jaau, samajh me nahi aa raha !!!

---------------------------------------------------

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Stop laughing!!! We are not allowed to have offensive jokes on this forum. These jokes are degrading to women! Didn't you know you are making generalising statements that all women are a pain and all married men are dukhi. These jokes were probably made up by a group of gay, sexist, men who had issues with women. They should not be put up on a forum. Stop laughing at yourself otherwise you will be called a fool amongst other names. Furthermore your family will be personally ridiculed. You have been warned!

:angry: :angry: :) :) :):D :D

Edited by Sat1176

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Stop laughing!!! We are not allowed to have offensive jokes on this forum. These jokes are degrading to women! Didn't you know you are making generalising statements that all women are a pain and all married men are dukhi. These jokes were probably made up by a group of gay, sexist, men who had issues with women. They should not be put up on a forum. Stop laughing at yourself otherwise you will be called a fool amongst other names. Furthermore your family will be personally ridiculed. You have been warned!

:angry: :angry: :) :) :):D :D

Lol

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Jo Aadmi hamesha hasta rehta hai usko
"HUS-MUKH" kehte hain.

Ab sawaal yeh hai ki jiska hasna bilkul bandh ho gaya ho use kya kehenge.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"HUS BAND"

Edited by Sat1176

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Angry husband sends SMS to his mother in law: your product not cooking properly.

Smart mother in law replied: Product sold, seal opened,warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible

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If a wife wants her husband's attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.

And

if a husband want's his wife's attention, he just had to look comfortable & happy!

A married woman was asked what was her favourite book???

My husband's cheque book...

Edited by Sat1176

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A man was watching a DVD at home.. and jor jor se cheekhne laga .....

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!

Ghode par se mat utar.. Pagal mat utar..

Its a trap!! Its a trap!!

Marega  saale..

Wife asked: Kya dekh rahe ho?
Husband replied: Our wedding DVD!!

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Before Marriage After Marriage

Hero no.1 Kuli no. 1

Maine Pyar Kiya Ye Maine Kya Kiya

Janeman Mat Jao Jan Mat Kho

Tum Bin Raha Na Jae Tumko Saha Na Jae

Kuch To Bolo Kabhi Chup Bhe Ho Lo

Milne Kab Aaoge Maeke Kab Jaoge

Edited by das

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Light humour-Jokes

A woman is always right..

Just sometimes confused, misinformed, rude, stubborn, senseless,

unchangeable & even downright stupid; but never wrong..!!!

Some few marriage humors are enjoyable:

1. Quote on a man’s T-shirt:

All women are devils...

But my wife is QUEEN of them!

2. Man was sent on earth to suffer...

Women was sent to make sure it happens!

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right,

And other is husband!

4. Husband & Wife always compromise.

Husband always admits that he is wrong, and wife agrees with him.

5. Husband & wife had a long argument.

Wife concluded: See dear; do you want to WIN or be HAPPY?

6. A man speaks 25000 words daily,

a woman speaks 30000 words.

Problem starts when husband comes from office after finishing his 25000,

&

wife starts her quota of 30000 words!

7. Boy: My dad is billionaire & 93-years old.

He will die soon.

Will you marry me?

Girl: NO.

A week later she became his step-mother.

Moral: Don’t give ideas to girls.

8. Two things in life are difficult to achieve:

(1) to plant your idea in someone’s head, &

(2) to plant somebody’s money in your pocket.

* He who succeeds in the 1st, we call him TEACHER;

* He who succeeds in the 2nd, we call him GOVERNMENT;

* The one who succeeds in both, we call WIFE; &

* The one who fails in both, we call HUSBAND!

9. Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It Means-Worries Invited For Ever...

Wife: No; it means- With Idiot For Ever !!!

10. No one teaches a volcano how to erupt...

No one teaches a tsunami how to arise…

No one teaches a hurricane how to sway around...

No one teaches a man how to choose a wife…

Natural Disasters just happen…!!!

11. Why are wives more dangerous than the Mafia?

The mafia wants either or money or life...

The wives want both!

12. Searching these keywords on Google 'How to tackle wife?'

Google search result, 'Good day sir, Even we are searching'.

13. Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.

It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

14. Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound and never leaving the house for 5 years.

Osama Bin Laden must have called the US Navy Seals himself!

15. Whisky is a brilliant invention…

One double and you start feeling single again.

16. A friend recently explained why he refuses to get to married.

He says the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs.

17. American: In India, do you guys call your wives ‘HONEY’ in your native language?

Indian: Oh no; we call them BEE-BEE… they sting twice as hard as HONEY BEE…

Edited by harsharan000

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Wife : I Am Not Talking To You

Wife : I am not talking to you.

.

.

Husband : Okay.

.

.

Wife : Don’t you want to know the reason.

.

.

Husband : No, I respect & trust your decision!

Edited by harsharan000

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A child asks his father that: You say that human is created by God but Mom says that human evolved from monkey. Then who is right?
The Father responds: We both are right. I've told you about my side and your mom has told you about her side!

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A wife was in romantic mood and asked his husband to whisper "dirty" things in her ear.......

Husband very gently and naughtily whispered to her wife's ear........Kitchen, Living Room, Bedroom.....

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A wife went to coma and the husband thought that she is dead now. So, 4 persons were carrying his wife on shoulder to the funeral ground for the last rites. On the way, the bed on which they are carrying the his wife stuck to a electicity pole on the road due to which she came out of coma and thus came back to life. Everyone was happy.

After couple of months, that man's wife really died and when they were again taking her body to funeral ground; the man was leading the crowd very actively and carefully and was repeating: "Please be very careful, she is my wife, please take care NOT to hit the pole".

I guess, you understand why he didn't want the bed to hit the pole second time......If you're married for more than 10-15 years, then you would understand!!

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----------------------------------------------------
Man: A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
Doctor: The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
Man: "I know," said the man, "but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone."
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Man: Man goes to see a wizard and says "can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?"
Wizard: "Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?"
Man: The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."
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Little boy: A little boy, at a wedding looks at the bride and asks, “Why are you wearing white?"
Bride: Bride replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
Little boy: A little boy then asks the groom: “Well then, why are your wearing black?”
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Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
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Two men are discussing their lives.
One says, "I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one says, "I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
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Man: You've brought religion into my life.
Woman: Really? How?
Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
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Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
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Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
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Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day? simple it is just a formality like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!!
----------------------------------------------------
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
----------------------------------------------------

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Ek din Paapu ke Mummy se Paapu to mar pare...
Paapu nu apne Pita se pucha, Papa aap ko mummy main kya dikha?
Father said: Main te teri mummy ke til par maar mita.
Paapu haas para and said.....Etni chothe se cheej ke lea, etha bara khatra mool le lea?

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One day Paapu asked his father: "What did you like in my mother"?
His father replied: "I saw a small black til/mole on her chin and it was Love at first sight".
Paapu said to his father: "For such a small thing, you took so much risk/burden"?

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This section was meant for light hearted jokes........but in reality, both Man and Woman are part of the same universe where duality is the primary force. If we want to cross this ocean, then we've got to learn how to traverse this duality.

And where-ever (read everywhere) there is duality, it follows the following common rules:

1. Opposition: They constantly interact with each other, hence the alteration and development of an object.
2. Inter-dependence: They rely on each other for existence, coexisting in a singe entity. E.g If we look from space, we see that night and day actually coexist.
3. Mutual consumption and support: Positive and Negative each give of themselves to nourish the other.
4. Inter-transformation: Man can become Woman and Woman can become Man....one can change into the other, but it is not a random event, happening only when the time is right....may be next births depending upon the karmas.
5. Infinite sub-divisibility

let me end this with another joke:

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still celebrating!!"

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On 1/8/2016 at 11:48 PM, das said:


4. Inter-transformation: Man can become Woman and Woman can become Man....one can change into the other, but it is not a random event, happening only when the time is right....may be next births depending upon the karmas.

Das do you (like Paapiman) think that being born female is a karmic punishment? He came straight out and said in other parts of this site that being born in a female body is a downgrade to a male body and thats why men are higher status than women in Waheguru's eyes. And he says that why men deserve more respect than women... I guess because our whole lives are seen as a punishment? That would suppose however that all women hate being women. Many do. But some love the bond they share with their children that men just don't seem to have. Women have power to create and give live (men contribute instructions but its the woman who has the power to actually build a whole new human out of her own body - and women can actually do this without male sperm now).  

Night and day coexist yes, but one does not have privilege over the other or is seen as in authority over the other. You could say they each rule 50% of the time. Perfect balance.  So why is the duality of male and female always seen as male in charge and women subordinate and must obey and be submissive to the male's orders and wishes??  Perhaps is some of this our own doing as cultural baggage, while the genders are supposed to be 50% co-heirs and rulers of the world as in night and day?  Or do you believe women are in a perpetual punishment their whole lives like Paapiman has said?? 

Now some Singhs on here tried to justify mens authority, etc by saying well women live longer than men usually so that makes up for things and women should just be greatful... well....

womenlivelonger.jpg.pagespeed.ce.67b8NHN

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14 hours ago, Satkirin_Kaur said:

 Das do you (like Paapiman) think that being born female is a karmic punishment? He came straight out and said in other parts of this site that being born in a female body is a downgrade to a male body and thats why men are higher status than women in Waheguru's eyes. And he says that why men deserve more respect than women... I guess because our whole lives are seen as a punishment? That would suppose however that all women hate being women. Many do. But some love the bond they share with their children that men just don't seem to have. Women have power to create and give live (men contribute instructions but its the woman who has the power to actually build a whole new human out of her own body - and women can actually do this without male sperm now).  

Night and day coexist yes, but one does not have privilege over the other or is seen as in authority over the other. You could say they each rule 50% of the time. Perfect balance.  So why is the duality of male and female always seen as male in charge and women subordinate and must obey and be submissive to the male's orders and wishes??  Perhaps is some of this our own doing as cultural baggage, while the genders are supposed to be 50% co-heirs and rulers of the world as in night and day?  Or do you believe women are in a perpetual punishment their whole lives like Paapiman has said?? 

Now some Singhs on here tried to justify mens authority, etc by saying well women live longer than men usually so that makes up for things and women should just be greatful... well....

womenlivelonger.jpg.pagespeed.ce.67b8NHN

 

He meant souls can take different forms depending on their karams since he was talking about duality. Like we are women now but were in men form previously. And all that male and female body is irrelevant, like go to a doc and change your gender lol

You are taking paapiman ji's anger on das ji btw lol. If men are full of ego as you pointed, with starting argument posts you are feeding their ego. You can never ever change somebody's opinion, who does not wanna change it. If someone consider a female body as a punishment, they are losing the bigger picture and without women there will be no man. And about karmic punishment, whether men or women they all go through it.

Funny story since it's a joke section.

i was reading an article by Sant isher singh ji about roohani marg and I read holy "men" and how "men"do bad things , I thought of women rights and you lol

i was talking to someone and he said men are kaami( lusty), I was like women rights, no women are kaami too.

My grandma and mom always call me putt ( son), I thought of women rights and you. 

You are changing me lol

 

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A few more...

On the blackboard, an English Professor wrote the words:
A woman without her man is nothing

He asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All the males wrote:
"A woman without her man, is nothing."

All the females wrote:
"A woman: Without her, man is nothing."

There was a science teacher sitting in the back, and much to the male student's chagrin, he admitted the female students were correct.
Without women giving birth, men would not even be here (hmm sounds a lot like what Guru Nanak Dev Ji said!!
And then he told the male students to remember that women can function just fine on their own, while they are sleeping outside in the dog house.
 

Which brings me to this:

1-2.jpg.5570f25997b1866d1fe93869d2ba0c6d

578594_367517856634559_244753448911001_1

Dictionary definition of the word "Single"
s-l300.jpg.09848bf941e00806548f91116d0ad
 

husband-wife-jokes-5.jpg.af5214d1b8bcc13

man_speaks_in_forest_poster_funny_joke_f

 

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