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Hi guys. I am a non-amritdhari sikh woman. I used to cut my hair a lot before I met my husband who is amritdhari. When I met him we both instantly connected because we had similar values - both vegetarian, never had alcohol, didn't party and were close to family and believed in Waheguru. The only thing is that he was always more into sikhi than me. But he never asked me to change anything about myself besides stop eating eggs- which I did. So things got serious pretty fast, we fell in LOVE and I met his family who was really traditional, conservative and every member was an amrit dhari sikh. They even had the GGSJ in their house. Initially I felt like I am way too different, his fam is way more strict than mine in terms of religion and that I didn't fit in. I told my husband at the time and he said DW once they get to know you they will love you.

BUT they were so closed off for even getting to know who I was until I accepted their terms and conditions to stop cutting my hair. This was hard for me because I feel pressure from society and am  personally really insecure about how I look and I want to look pretty. I want to feel pretty and that involves me wearing make up/cutting hair/doing eyebrows/shaving.....but to please his family I agreed. My husband also said you can cut it a bit but not a noticeable length and just don't let his parents find out. I agreed out of fear to this promise. And I always felt it was wrong for them to impose their views on me, but I also understood that I was not their "ideal daughter-in-law" who was amrit dhari, knew how to read punjabi and do kirtan. I continued growing my hair long until we got married, but always trimmed it a bit.

And let me tell you I was 21 when I agreed to start keeping my hair. I got married when I was 24 and now I just turned 25. it has been 6 months since we have been married and we moved away from home because of my husbands job. I don't live with my in-laws.

Recently I wanted to change my hair around. It has grown so long and it bothers me, its not comfortable for me to leave out or tie up, I just didn't feel pretty. Then my mother in law sent me a family video of relatives celebrating Lohri. That's when it clicked in my brain...when I saw all those relatives with hair cuts/highlights and really expressing themselves however they wanted to be, I decided that I AM GOING TO STOP PPL PLEASING. I told my husband that I am tired of all of this, I want his family to accept me for me. I know hair is a big deal to them but they should not define me based on my hair length. I just felt like everyone in this life is free to live on their own terms. Even his parents used to eat meat before they DECIDED to become amritdhari sikhs. IT WAS THEIR CHOICE. Why is that I do not have the freedom to make my own choice in this relationship????

My husband and I had a huge argument because I wanted to cut my hair and also highlight it. My family, mom, sisters - they all colour/cut their hair. His extended fam can also do the same. Why am I SO POLICED on this topic. I just don't understand why they can treat me this way. My husband got so mad at me and said that you are going against your word that you gave to my family. And i told him even you knew that I didn't willingly want to make that promise, I felt pressured to otherwise I would never have been able to see him. And he is the one who told me to just leave his family in the dark about me trimming my hair.

Either way, I have been really angry at him for not supporting me and his family for being so superficial. I am a kind person. Hair is not all that Sikhi is. Connecting to Waheguru is personal and every person should have the right to decide how they want to practice their religion. If I don't feel connected when I am keeping my hair and am simply keeping it out of fear so people accept me.....that is not a good reason.

Just today I highlighted and got my hair cut. My husband is super angry with me. I feel like if he is being so close-minded about this I feel like his parents are going to disown me. He should understand me and how I was raised. The family and background I come from. It's so hard feeling like people will disown you if you change something about yourself. I just want to live like a free woman.

Before I got married my family was strict in other ways (going out/hanging with friends/travelling) and they would say when you get married then do whatever you want.

Now I am married and have to do whatever my husband and his family want.

I just feel so trapped. Any advice? Did I do the right thing? I feel like I did because it makes me feel more confident in my own appearance and I want the freedom to make my own choices. If I decide to do something I want it to be based off of authenticity, not because someone forced/pressured me.

I appreciate all your thoughts.

 

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Sat Sri Akaal Kirny and welcome to this forum.

I am not an expert on this subject or Sikhi for that matter but since you asked for thoughts I'll give you my 2cents.

15 hours ago, KIRNY25 said:

Did I do the right thing? I feel like I did because it makes me feel more confident in my own appearance and I want the freedom to make my own choices. If I decide to do something I want it to be based off of authenticity, not because someone forced/pressured me.

It seems like you have crossed the Rubicon by taking the decision to cut your hair knowing very well the consequences.On a psychological level you wanted to test your husband and gauge his reaction to you disobeying him. No one here can tell you whether you did the right or wrong thing. It just seems like guilt has taken over and you are looking for others to legitimize your actions. Only you can decide what you did was right or wrong according to your circumstances.

15 hours ago, KIRNY25 said:

Either way, I have been really angry at him for not supporting me and his family for being so superficial. I am a kind person. Hair is not all that Sikhi is. Connecting to Waheguru is personal and every person should have the right to decide how they want to practice their religion. If I don't feel connected when I am keeping my hair and am simply keeping it out of fear so people accept me.....that is not a good reason.

I disagree with this mentality. Picking and choosing when it comes to religion.Just because you don't do it or don't follow it,doesn't mean it has no value.I don't think we have the right to change Sikhi to fit our lifestyle,instead it should be the other way around.If you don't wish to keep it, fine, but you now don't have the right to demean and re-interpret Sikhi to fit your view and lifestyle.I agree that Sikhi is not all about hair,but hair has been a very big part of Sikhi,our ancestors and great martyrs were willing to die rather than cut their hair. And not to forget,It was Guruji Dasmesh Paatshahs Hukam that we keep our hair.I think thats enough for me.

15 hours ago, KIRNY25 said:

Recently I wanted to change my hair around. It has grown so long and it bothers me, its not comfortable for me to leave out or tie up, I just didn't feel pretty. Then my mother in law sent me a family video of relatives celebrating Lohri. That's when it clicked in my brain...when I saw all those relatives with hair cuts/highlights and really expressing themselves however they wanted to be, I decided that I AM GOING TO STOP PPL PLEASING. I told my husband that I am tired of all of this, I want his family to accept me for me. I know hair is a big deal to them but they should not define me based on my hair length. I just felt like everyone in this life is free to live on their own terms. Even his parents used to eat meat before they DECIDED to become amritdhari sikhs. IT WAS THEIR CHOICE. Why is that I do not have the freedom to make my own choice in this relationship????

Well beauty is subjective.Everyone wishes to look good.I think I've found the gist of your problem here. You don't feel pretty with uncut hair.You have decided to stop pleasing people.But you want others to accept you.So basically you want to impose your will on others and this whole post is just a lot of justifications for your actions.But you don't accept it when they impose their will on you.You don't like it.You feel trapped right?So it's a battle of egos.Only 1 will win if no compromise is made.Worst case scenario,one party gets fed up and walks away.

15 hours ago, KIRNY25 said:

Before I got married my family was strict in other ways (going out/hanging with friends/travelling) and they would say when you get married then do whatever you want.

Now I am married and have to do whatever my husband and his family want.

Welcome to reality,totally different from Bollywood "reality" eh? This is your family's fault for filling your head with nonsense.What does "you can do whatever you want after marriage mean"?Where does it end this you can do "anything"?If you got married in an Indian household it would be much the same as yours,same rules & regulations.You decided to get married.This is what an Indian marriage is as far as I am aware of.

Conclusion.

15 hours ago, KIRNY25 said:

So things got serious pretty fast, we fell in LOVE 

What happened to this?Any LOVE left? If there is then you should keep on going trying to mend things.What do you really want now? You can't force others. You don't want others to force you.You want to be free and Stop pleasing people. So either you suck it up and listen to your husband or they suck it up and listen to you or worst case scenario both of you can suck it up and listen to a Divorce Attorney.The choice is yours.I wish you and your Husband all the best and hopefully things work out for you guys.Again,I'm not an expert but since you asked and I have some spare time,here you go.

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On 2/4/2020 at 11:17 PM, KIRNY25 said:

Hi guys. I am a non-amritdhari sikh woman. I used to cut my hair a lot before I met my husband who is amritdhari. When I met him we both instantly connected because we had similar values - both vegetarian, never had alcohol, didn't party and were close to family and believed in Waheguru. The only thing is that he was always more into sikhi than me. But he never asked me to change anything about myself besides stop eating eggs- which I did. So things got serious pretty fast, we fell in LOVE and I met his family who was really traditional, conservative and every member was an amrit dhari sikh. They even had the GGSJ in their house. Initially I felt like I am way too different, his fam is way more strict than mine in terms of religion and that I didn't fit in. I told my husband at the time and he said DW once they get to know you they will love you.

BUT they were so closed off for even getting to know who I was until I accepted their terms and conditions to stop cutting my hair. This was hard for me because I feel pressure from society and am  personally really insecure about how I look and I want to look pretty. I want to feel pretty and that involves me wearing make up/cutting hair/doing eyebrows/shaving.....but to please his family I agreed. My husband also said you can cut it a bit but not a noticeable length and just don't let his parents find out. I agreed out of fear to this promise. And I always felt it was wrong for them to impose their views on me, but I also understood that I was not their "ideal daughter-in-law" who was amrit dhari, knew how to read punjabi and do kirtan. I continued growing my hair long until we got married, but always trimmed it a bit.

And let me tell you I was 21 when I agreed to start keeping my hair. I got married when I was 24 and now I just turned 25. it has been 6 months since we have been married and we moved away from home because of my husbands job. I don't live with my in-laws.

Recently I wanted to change my hair around. It has grown so long and it bothers me, its not comfortable for me to leave out or tie up, I just didn't feel pretty. Then my mother in law sent me a family video of relatives celebrating Lohri. That's when it clicked in my brain...when I saw all those relatives with hair cuts/highlights and really expressing themselves however they wanted to be, I decided that I AM GOING TO STOP PPL PLEASING. I told my husband that I am tired of all of this, I want his family to accept me for me. I know hair is a big deal to them but they should not define me based on my hair length. I just felt like everyone in this life is free to live on their own terms. Even his parents used to eat meat before they DECIDED to become amritdhari sikhs. IT WAS THEIR CHOICE. Why is that I do not have the freedom to make my own choice in this relationship????

My husband and I had a huge argument because I wanted to cut my hair and also highlight it. My family, mom, sisters - they all colour/cut their hair. His extended fam can also do the same. Why am I SO POLICED on this topic. I just don't understand why they can treat me this way. My husband got so mad at me and said that you are going against your word that you gave to my family. And i told him even you knew that I didn't willingly want to make that promise, I felt pressured to otherwise I would never have been able to see him. And he is the one who told me to just leave his family in the dark about me trimming my hair.

Either way, I have been really angry at him for not supporting me and his family for being so superficial. I am a kind person. Hair is not all that Sikhi is. Connecting to Waheguru is personal and every person should have the right to decide how they want to practice their religion. If I don't feel connected when I am keeping my hair and am simply keeping it out of fear so people accept me.....that is not a good reason.

Just today I highlighted and got my hair cut. My husband is super angry with me. I feel like if he is being so close-minded about this I feel like his parents are going to disown me. He should understand me and how I was raised. The family and background I come from. It's so hard feeling like people will disown you if you change something about yourself. I just want to live like a free woman.

Before I got married my family was strict in other ways (going out/hanging with friends/travelling) and they would say when you get married then do whatever you want.

Now I am married and have to do whatever my husband and his family want.

I just feel so trapped. Any advice? Did I do the right thing? I feel like I did because it makes me feel more confident in my own appearance and I want the freedom to make my own choices. If I decide to do something I want it to be based off of authenticity, not because someone forced/pressured me.

I appreciate all your thoughts.

 

Bhen ji its a really sad situation you have gotten into and its terrible that you are feeling like this.

 

I have seen bibis doing kirtan at our local gurdwara then next thing on social media they profile pics are really shocking especially that they are doing kirtan and are making everyone a fool by holding a kirtan baja at the gurdwara.

 

So for now you can start step by step building rehit and start doing as much nitnem bani simran that you can so that it will help the way things are.

 

Also try to read as much religious books as you can as that will help as you have mentioned that you wanted to fit in society which in my view was a horrible experince in my teen years so i try to work out and analyzse who is right for me and who is not since then.

 

Its not a hard thing to do to stop cutting hair as you could start step by step to stop as i have seen so many people who post there before and after pictures of how they look. So its not gonna happen overnight and its best to stay away from people who encourage you to cut your hair.

 

Don't be upset or annoyed by what i have written.

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On 2/5/2020 at 4:47 AM, KIRNY25 said:

Hi guys. I am a non-amritdhari sikh woman. I used to cut my hair a lot before I met my husband who is amritdhari. When I met him we both instantly connected because we had similar values - both vegetarian, never had alcohol, didn't party and were close to family and believed in Waheguru. The only thing is that he was always more into sikhi than me. But he never asked me to change anything about myself besides stop eating eggs- which I did. So things got serious pretty fast, we fell in LOVE and I met his family who was really traditional, conservative and every member was an amrit dhari sikh. They even had the GGSJ in their house. Initially I felt like I am way too different, his fam is way more strict than mine in terms of religion and that I didn't fit in. I told my husband at the time and he said DW once they get to know you they will love you.

BUT they were so closed off for even getting to know who I was until I accepted their terms and conditions to stop cutting my hair. This was hard for me because I feel pressure from society and am  personally really insecure about how I look and I want to look pretty. I want to feel pretty and that involves me wearing make up/cutting hair/doing eyebrows/shaving.....but to please his family I agreed. My husband also said you can cut it a bit but not a noticeable length and just don't let his parents find out. I agreed out of fear to this promise. And I always felt it was wrong for them to impose their views on me, but I also understood that I was not their "ideal daughter-in-law" who was amrit dhari, knew how to read punjabi and do kirtan. I continued growing my hair long until we got married, but always trimmed it a bit.

And let me tell you I was 21 when I agreed to start keeping my hair. I got married when I was 24 and now I just turned 25. it has been 6 months since we have been married and we moved away from home because of my husbands job. I don't live with my in-laws.

Recently I wanted to change my hair around. It has grown so long and it bothers me, its not comfortable for me to leave out or tie up, I just didn't feel pretty. Then my mother in law sent me a family video of relatives celebrating Lohri. That's when it clicked in my brain...when I saw all those relatives with hair cuts/highlights and really expressing themselves however they wanted to be, I decided that I AM GOING TO STOP PPL PLEASING. I told my husband that I am tired of all of this, I want his family to accept me for me. I know hair is a big deal to them but they should not define me based on my hair length. I just felt like everyone in this life is free to live on their own terms. Even his parents used to eat meat before they DECIDED to become amritdhari sikhs. IT WAS THEIR CHOICE. Why is that I do not have the freedom to make my own choice in this relationship????

My husband and I had a huge argument because I wanted to cut my hair and also highlight it. My family, mom, sisters - they all colour/cut their hair. His extended fam can also do the same. Why am I SO POLICED on this topic. I just don't understand why they can treat me this way. My husband got so mad at me and said that you are going against your word that you gave to my family. And i told him even you knew that I didn't willingly want to make that promise, I felt pressured to otherwise I would never have been able to see him. And he is the one who told me to just leave his family in the dark about me trimming my hair.

Either way, I have been really angry at him for not supporting me and his family for being so superficial. I am a kind person. Hair is not all that Sikhi is. Connecting to Waheguru is personal and every person should have the right to decide how they want to practice their religion. If I don't feel connected when I am keeping my hair and am simply keeping it out of fear so people accept me.....that is not a good reason.

Just today I highlighted and got my hair cut. My husband is super angry with me. I feel like if he is being so close-minded about this I feel like his parents are going to disown me. He should understand me and how I was raised. The family and background I come from. It's so hard feeling like people will disown you if you change something about yourself. I just want to live like a free woman.

Before I got married my family was strict in other ways (going out/hanging with friends/travelling) and they would say when you get married then do whatever you want.

Now I am married and have to do whatever my husband and his family want.

I just feel so trapped. Any advice? Did I do the right thing? I feel like I did because it makes me feel more confident in my own appearance and I want the freedom to make my own choices. If I decide to do something I want it to be based off of authenticity, not because someone forced/pressured me.

I appreciate all your thoughts.

 

Sister, i understand your situation. i feel you should give yourself time to analyse your decision. You and your husband entered the relationship based on the thought process of being devoted to Waheguru. You were happy that you found someone who doesnt drink and go partying around. He is committed to Waheguru inward and outward too. 

At your age i understand that you feel the need to dress up and give yourself the look of what is 'in' according to time. However, you should also be giving it a thought that you have a nice husband who is ready to make small adjustments. If he can adjust a bit to make you happy it means he wants you to be in his life. In these times relationships are fragile, divorces on the rise, i personally feel when he is ready to make space for you and bend the rules a bit, then you may want to think about balancing. In the later years you might just laugh at this situation thinking how rigid you were about dressing up and looking at par with modern times. It would be good if you would do Ardas seeking the Hukum of Waheguru. 

 

Sri Akaal Sahaai

 

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Lol we woman! U know all this is so - Similar to My Story turned upside down- just that I want Amrit - he doesn't allow. He asks me to shave- wax-thread ( cutting hair is a TABOO in both our families- never done so by either of us ) and look - "pretty" but I want to cover my head all the time. We ( used to) argue - fight - tease each other a lot on this subject but now we have - compromised. (Because both of us love each other and at the end of all the fightings which he have had - we realise - we just can't live without each other). 

Overall, u know that's how relationships are, we are never satisfied. We want Everything especially in others to be JUST PERFECT as per our perspective and at the same time we want them to ACCEPT US WITH OUR FAULTS AND SUPPORT US. - somewhere inside though we know we aren't all - white- but so what no one is! So why can't we accept 'his' grey shades??

I was so like ' you' few years ago putting my foot strongly for a - point- which I took as - Right- { you still cut n highlighted your hair- even after the argument YOU DIDN'T CARE HOW  HE WOULD FEEL and inside you know you that that wasn't right} but your ego tells you that what you did was o.k and he should accept if he loves you. Yes he should- At the same time shouldn't you have kept your words and kept a - parda- from his parents at least for " their happiness" sake. The truth is you don't care for their " happiness" your ego tells you not to be " fake" but you may have lied several times if the case has been with YOUR MOM DAD instead of his - haina.

That's what is the difference and we only start learning this as we start doing BANI Or Simran- putting your self in the other person's shoes. Bass that's what my opinion is-( that's how I have changed now) next time when your ego emerges just think about those beautiful moments you have spent together and, how much HE MATTERS. Put yourself in HIS shoes and then think... 

Though it's easier said than done yet the only trick is curb your ego and anger- talk wisely .

 

Sweet words can melt stony hearts and vice versa

 

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@moorakhthanks bhen ji for writting this excellent post its the best message i have read about this subject as the original poster doesn't seem to value and is being unthankful with what she has been given by God.

 

@Jageera veer ji you have hit the nail on the head and i agree with you.

@jaikaara really good points veer ji.

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Nahi nahi soulfinderVeerji... That may not be the case, just immature relationship issues ( lack of Vivek Buddh you see cos of social pressure- may be ) if she would  not have been thankful or concerned she would have not made this post here..

It's an honest post where she has not ' glorified' her own deeds or even hidden her deed ( which we are perceiving as wrong- ) she could have mentioned 5-7 of her husband's flaws too (( we all know that he would have some as no one is perfect)), but she didn't.  So I really appreciate her sincerity- I may have not been able to do that if I was her. ..

@KIRNY25K- if u would have made this post in any other chat forum or in your kitty party group you may have found 20 supporters but here - sangat members are like your inner voices and we won't support your ego just because you are one of us - and you may feel bad.
 Count your blessings yaa, and learn to hear the real - YOU not your EGO--  not everyone is as lucky as us..  all u need is to hold the hands of Guru Sahib and take a first step towards spirituality - not the unreal pakhands but the inner Love towards Waheguru ji and he will lead you himself..  

Waheguru

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4 hours ago, Jageera said:

OP kidnapped by aliens? Or has she run away from home and joined the circus?🤣🤣🤣

Veer ji you are 100% spot on lol. Since making the thread the original poster has gone awol lol. Like starting a fire with people giving spending their precious time & energy to write posts and running away since starting the thread and not to be seen since online.

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