How to become celibate when married ?

[H908]

The celibates i know are old school gursikhs from sampradaye. Their mindsets and lifestyle are different and were more geared to be celibate.

now i think you should try to be a normal couple while trying to practice sikhi

kaam can be involved in marriage thats why we practice sikhi so its influence lessens. You cant take preventative measures, its according to your avasta so I recommend finding someone likeminded as you. 
 

if you feel intense kaam everyday and your married then you gotta channel it. If you're not married, get married and in the meantime, try to progress physically, spiritually and in any other way you like.

[Lucky]

On 5/6/2005 at 12:05 PM, Guest said:

I read in a book by sant baba jagjit singh ji harkhowalaey that-

There was conversation sakhi between Guru Ji and Mardana regarding celibacy in gristh hood...Guru Ji said you can have kids without having any phsyical relationship if you are highest spiritual stage. I found it very fascninating.

quote from that book:

Guru Ji then replied that reproducting children is done through "dristhi bhog" (Pure Vision). The people there practised naam with each and every pore of their bodies. On the basis of truth the women give birth just by looking at their partners eyes. At bhramgyan stage, one does not need to have intercourse to reproduce an kid.

 

 

 

 

 

[harsharan000]

How to become celibate when married ?

To answer this question, let us first see what is to become a  celibate.

Celibate at its peak, is the absence of kaam vaasna. And we all know kaam, is one of the 5 chor, probably the most dreadful of all the vices, it has dragged down big rishis and munis, it affects also the residents of the astral and causal planes.

Ravan, who was such a gyani, he had overpowered the gods ,  strong devotee of Lord Shiva, he was full of  supernatural powers, and also filled from toes to head with all the 5 vikars, thus impure minded. 

Among all his vikars, it is seen that his kaam vaasna,  by desiring to possess someone´s else wife, was the reason for his downfall, he died like a mad dog...

Nature is wise, when gods even could not defeat him, it was this very vaasna, which dragged him to the muds. 

To commit (adultery)sin with someone´s wife, or woman apart from one´s wife is the biggest sin that one can commit.  And the punishment for it heavy also, is like voluntarily jumping into fire to burn into ashes.

To try to overcome it by any means, is as good as impossible.

Except  when one is showered with His apaar kirpa, and one attaches  himself/herself  with Nam within.

For as the Bani says: Prabh ka simran, mun kee mael jaae.

If there was any other way, Guru Jee would sure let us know, but He constantly throughout  the Bani, tells us to join our surtee with Nam, through His simran.

 

There where Nam is,  there is no kaam, nor any other chor.

There where shines the absence of Nam, kaam and all vices fall as heavy chains on the  jeeva.

Nam is the liberator from all sins, from all negative tendencies, stops for once and ever the unending cycle of births and deaths, and finally,  purifies us to the extent, that we merge and become one with Waheguru Akal Purukh.

The thing is, to attach oneself to Nam, is not in the hands of anyone.

It is not like saying, I feel like having a cup of tea, so goes to the kitchen and makes a cup of it.

Rather, it is only by His apaar kirpa, that one practices Nam bhakti.

In that respect, the following beautiful verse from the Bani is crystal clear

naanak har jee ma-i-aa kar sabad savaaranhaar.
O Nanak, when the Dear Lord shows kindness, He adorns His bride with the Word of His Shabad.

 

Stay blessed.

SSA.

 

[dalsingh101]

22 hours ago, harsharan000 said:

Ravan, who was such a gyani, he had overpowered the gods ,  strong devotee of Lord Shiva, he was full of  supernatural powers, and also filled from toes to head with all the 5 vikars, thus impure minded. 

Among all his vikars, it is seen that his kaam vaasna,  by desiring to possess someone´s else wife, was the reason for his downfall, he died like a mad dog...

Nature is wise, when gods even could not defeat him, it was this very vaasna, which dragged him to the muds. 

To commit (adultery)sin with someone´s wife, or woman apart from one´s wife is the biggest sin that one can commit.  And the punishment for it heavy also, is like voluntarily jumping into fire to burn into ashes.

I think we should differentiate between having a desire for someone else's women, and having a desire for your own spouse. To equate the two is a big error in my opinion. 

Thing with marriage is that it is a two way thing. It's all well and good if one side wants to be a celibate, but what if the other half doesn't? Is it fair to spring such majorly life changing things on another unexpected?

Plus, bhai ji, since I read DG and learnt that Ramchandar Ji may have started the conflict by chopping off Ravan's sister's nose, when she flirted with him, I've always been a bit reserved on perceiving Ravan as some 'bad guy' in some binary style conception i.e. Ramchandar = Good; Ravan = Bad.   

I agree that kaam vaasna is one of the strongest (if not thee strongest!) vikaars though. 

[harsharan000]

18 minutes ago, dalsingh101 said:

I think we should differentiate between having a desire for someone else's women, and having a desire for your own spouse. To equate the two is a big error in my opinion. 

Thing with marriage is that it is a two way thing. It's all well and good if one side wants to be a celibate, but what if the other half doesn't? Is it fair to spring such majorly life changing things on another unexpected?

Plus, bhai ji, since I read DG and learnt that Ramchandar Ji may have started the conflict by chopping off Ravan's sister's nose, when she flirted with him, I've always been a bit reserved on perceiving Ravan as some 'bad guy' in some binary style conception i.e. Ramchandar = Good; Ravan = Bad.   

I agree that kaam vaasna is one of the strongest (if not thee strongest!) vikaars though. 

SSA Bro,

when I mentioned Ravan's example, my point was not only of desiring others wives/spouses, but that of in spite of acquiring so many powers due to his intense jap/tap/....had so much gyan, yet he could not overcome his vikars, especially "kaam" and ahankar.

You see, there is a big difference between becoming celibate and celibate...

It is by His apaar kirpa, that one reaches that state of celibacy by attaching oneself to Nam within. 

Though there is not much to worry about, for when one looks at the embodiment of the highest purity and eternal Truth, in the form of our Guru Sahiban for example, they too had children, but that does not mean they had any vikars, least to say about  kaam, plus that much be added of which we ordinary humans maybe are not aware that those wadbhagee souls who reach that level of higher conciousness, work or act, accordingly to the laws of Nature, they never do anything against that law.

It is only from our level, our side, that we have doubts, because we are very low.

Plus, when one approaches Waheguru with true love and true devotion, He will take care of all his/her needs or envoirments such as family settlements....plus that high spiritual state is out of any ordinary or intellectual mental state.

Bhakti is not a path of words nor speculation, but of applying oneself to that desired spiritual practice.

And about Ram being good or Ravan bad, I am not going to enter into any controversies, let everyone decide for himself or herself, and have their own conclusions, though that much I will surely say, look it from a higher and wider perspective.

It  is said that  Ravan was a watchman at Vishnu's darbar, so once some brahmins or sages wanted to enter and meet Vishnu.

As they were not allowed to enter, so they cursed that watchman to be born as rakshash in several births. Then Vishnu came and told him that once the curse is given, it can not be taken back, but as he was just doing his duty, thus in each birth of his, He himself would come to deliver or rescue him. That is why he came as Krishna, as Ram, as Narsing...etc. 

For when that deity comes to deliver you from life, you are to go to his abode, in this case, of lord Vishnu.

I don't know how much truth is in it, but from all theories it makes sense to me, at least.

This was something I read quite long long ago from some hindu religious book, so don't take each word as exact, but as a pointer to that scene.

SSA.

[Guest PCSJZ]

On 5/6/2005 at 11:38 PM, karmjeet said:

 

 

how is this disgusting and insult ? can u explain ?

 

Talk to any mahapurash , chardeekala sant , or chardeekala damdami sikh , and ask them about Guru ji's , u will get the same answer that they were nirlep from this maya . They didn't go through the process that we go through to produce kids .

 

And some things don't need to be explained in Gurbani . They are known by only brahmgyanis .

 

For eg :

Bhagt Dhanna ji had the kamai of his previous 1100 janams . That 's y he could have darshan of God from a pathar .

 

Now tell me where in gurbani its written , that He had kamai of 1100 janams . this was told by Brahmgyami Sant Gurbachan Singh Ji Khalsa .

 

 

Similarly , some facts don't have to be based on Gurbani .

Bachans of Brahmgyanis are enough .

Bhagat Dhanna ji never had darshan of Waheguru from a pathar! This is explained beautifully in gurbani about what really happened and Bhai Seva Singh Tarmala ji broke it down even further explaining the real story. I will try and find the clip on youtube and post it.

in short bhagat Dhanna met a pandit and asked him how to meet god, the pandit out of ego said go and worship that patthar and god will emerge.

after some time when nothing happened bhagat dhanna met a group of sants and explained his predicament. They said to him, this pathar if you put it in water, it will sink. Similarly if you put your faith in it, you will also sink with it. To find god you must first find a true guru who will show you the correct path. Bhagat Dhanna ji then found a true guru and started walking on this path eventually meeting Waheguru.

[Mooorakh]

I read this in a biography of a person who went to Himalayas to seek spiritually and found worth sharing. This proves why our Guru Sahib said grihsth life is the best life. We didn't have to fall off many times to learn it. We can just trust our Babaji...

............ And so it transpired that after I left Peter Pan in the park that evening, transporting myself to meet her master in his Never-land and learning the tricks therein, I was filled with such a joy at my return to innocence that there was really little left to do but quit my job, sell my belongings and head off to the Himalayas to meet my destiny.

And meet it I did. Donned the proverbial white robes and climbed the mountain.

But I suppose you might be interested to know what precisely, in the form of physical possession and attachment, I gave up to lighten my burden before departure?

Well, I’ll tell you.

A steady job with a take-home pay of approx. $40k/yr - not bad for a 24 yr old hippy kid in a foreign country who still hadn’t earned his degrees yet and didn’t speak the local language! A Harley Davidson - beauty of a bike, my pride and joy in those days, worth upwards of $15k - I sold it for the price of a plane ticket and a bit of mad money for my vacation. I left my friends and life behind me and ran straight, full speed ahead. I left my wife behind me, too. And she cried.

But I was committed and determined to leave off everything for the opportunity to find what Buddha found. I’d sit in the jungle like a recluse and let the light of heaven shine down on my skull, happy be damned. After all, what’s a life of everything? All these things are just the root of suffering, right?

Wrong.

But I didn’t know that yet and it would take me a long time before I’d come close to understanding why my Guru wouldn’t let me hang out in the hills with Him forever. Be normal! He’d often chastise, even as He guided me through the rituals, fulfilling my dream to become one like Him.

One early winter morning, taking our tea by the fire, He told me. Go back to your wife. Live a life like a normal guy, happy. You have my blessing. You will have everything. Raise generations and understand the joys and sorrows of your own father.

But I couldn’t hear Him. I wouldn’t hear Him. Not on this. And I made every excuse why I shouldn’t do that but rather should remain empty, like Him, here in this mountain abode. I wanted to learn the magic of the mystics. I wanted to see the face of God, talk with the spirits, learn all the arts.

And He taught me. Perhaps He saw something teachable in me. I don’t know. Maybe all the talk of going back to the life of man, like a normal guy - maybe it was just some kind of test. After all, if the life of a sanyasi was good enough for Him…

Go back. A young guy should have a life, and a business. Open a good restaurant or hotel. Heal people through the food system and teach them something good - how to live a life.

How could I do that? I’d run away from everything now, burned every bridge. What did that life have for me? No. I would make my way with the yogin of the Himalaya. The Gods of pictures and myth would be my friends, mana my sustenance, fire my fuel. I would sleep in the snow with nothing but a shawl, chant the sacred words that raises God knowledge. Completely ignore the human psychology (and physiology for that matter) that says there is something to be had in the physical, too.

Too much spiritual makes imbalance, too. In the words of Pierre Chardin ‘we are spiritual beings having a physical experience’. Indeed. Why to throw that physical experience back in the face of the God who graced us with such?

Well, I was still young and needed a good talking to. I had it all figured out, knew precisely what I needed to get myself into proper balance. I was so full of myself it’s no small wonder that I was actually able to sit still and listen, to watch and comprehend the masterful machinations of the swamy who took me under His wing.

Twenty-seven years later now I write this brief glimpse into that past and somewhat blush as I contemplate pushing the submit button. But I guess it’s a good an answer as any to the question. Yeah, I left a good paying job to become a sanyasi. What a trip it’s been. And now I’m back with an even better paying job, living the life of a normal guy - a family man with a good business that adds value to people’s lives.

This writing was entirely too brief; I leave out so much. I suffered hard for my choice and rejoiced equally. Life was a mad roller coaster of self-discovery and realization, and in case you’re wondering, I’ve no regrets. It was all worth it, every bit. But if I could go back with what I know today, as the man I am today, I’d change one thing. I wouldn’t make her cry.

[sevak]

On 5/6/2005 at 12:54 PM, karmjeet said:

literal meaning of celibate is to control your desires and don't have physical relationship .

 

A married couple can be a celibate as well , while having physical relationship . ( and obviously they have to follow rehit maryada )

 

Once a gursikh asked Baba Nand Singh Ji , how can he becoma a celibate while being married ?

 

He answered :

for a grahsti 2 children are enough .

 

have relationship only once in a whole year .

 

if u still can't control ur self , make it once in 6 months i.e. twice in a year

 

if u still can't do it , make it once a month .

 

if u still can't control ur self , do it once a week ( on tuesday , between 11 pm to 1 am )

 

and the next day in the morning , take a kesi ishnan .

 

And if you still can't control it , then you are not a sikh of Guru Nanak , U r a vishayi ( a person engrossed in sensual pleasures )

Are these bachans of Baba Nand Singh ji? Where can I find the source? where can I find all the other bachans by him?

[Soulfinder]

7 hours ago, sevak said:

Are these bachans of Baba Nand Singh ji? Where can I find the source? where can I find all the other bachans by him?

Veer ji this is from a quick google search on Baba Ji's bachans 

http://www.nanaksarkaleran.com/pooransantkaun

 

https://www.scribd.com/doc/183268882/Baba-Nand-Singh-ji-Jeevan-Katha-in-Punjabi-pdf

 

 

 

[sevak]

Thank You Sir, I will watch these videos. I was wondering if there is specific video or site where it is recorded this bachan by Baba ji about celibacy?

[LiquidSky]

You all have it wrong, dont get married if you dont want sex. Simple. If you want to get married, youre going to have sex regardless. In some traditions sex is selfless act where you're giving pleasure to your partner and not just meeting your own desires.

If you want advice about being celibate, ask someone who isnt married and doesnt tell you to get married.

"Oh I want kids", then youre going to have sex then isnt it? "But my Baba said Kaam is bad and you should avoid it all costs", dont get married. "My baba said you should get married but avoid Kaam". Ask yourself why should you get married and stop listening to that Baba.

[sarabatam]

I heard sant singh maskeen ji is good authority on this subject. I don't know. I am on pathless enligthenment path which is quite self annihilation and quite destructive process. Every day things are seen and let go. 

[sarabatam]

It also depends on spiritual maturity , connection and agreement between couples. There is connection with couples with heart centers and spiritual heart if partners meditate on naam together all that other stuff is quite arbitratary when that happens. 

Like if some one is hooked on kundalini awakening see all that stuff borderline ridiculous. Spirituality is different type of high.

[sarabatam]

 

[LiquidSky]

It also comes with the right type of guidance.

Having a connection with your other half is about knowning their personality. Knowing what hurts them, what makes them happy. Knowning this you know their heart. But then again, you can get maniptuive partners who can use theses against you. This is when you need to be aware of people.

[sarabatam]

15 minutes ago, LiquidSky said:

It also comes with the right type of guidance.

Having a connection with your other half is about knowning their personality. Knowing what hurts them, what makes them happy. Knowning this you know their heart. But then again, you can get maniptuive partners who can use theses against you. This is when you need to be aware of people.

I agree with you fully. 

[sevak]

1 hour ago, LiquidSky said:

You all have it wrong, dont get married if you dont want sex. Simple. If you want to get married, youre going to have sex regardless. In some traditions sex is selfless act where you're giving pleasure to your partner and not just meeting your own desires.

If you want advice about being celibate, ask someone who isnt married and doesnt tell you to get married.

"Oh I want kids", then youre going to have sex then isnt it? "But my Baba said Kaam is bad and you should avoid it all costs", dont get married. "My baba said you should get married but avoid Kaam". Ask yourself why should you get married and stop listening to that Baba.

What if you have completed your householder duty of having kids, do you still need to have sex? I am talking about married person who is done having kids, but still gets Kaam vibes here and then. What are your thoughts?

[sevak]

1 hour ago, sarabatam said:

 

Then why so many scandals with celibate monks in churches and other places?

[LiquidSky]

2 hours ago, sevak said:

What if you have completed your householder duty of having kids, do you still need to have sex? I am talking about married person who is done having kids, but still gets Kaam vibes here and then. What are your thoughts?

With age your sex drive would naturally go down itself. Then you may want to pursue other goals in life. 

If you still have kaam, it's natural. At least your married with your partner that you hopefully love. Showing your partner physical affection makes your relationship stronger. Ain't you two bodies with one light when you get married?

[sevak]

13 hours ago, LiquidSky said:

With age your sex drive would naturally go down itself. Then you may want to pursue other goals in life. 

If you still have kaam, it's natural. At least your married with your partner that you hopefully love. Showing your partner physical affection makes your relationship stronger. Ain't you two bodies with one light when you get married?

Waheguru has already shown me no one my parents, wife, relatives no one can help me in the most important time of need. I m trying to mentally severe ties with all my relations (this is called moh-attachment). 

[LiquidSky]

5 hours ago, sevak said:

Waheguru has already shown me no one my parents, wife, relatives no one can help me in the most important time of need. I m trying to mentally severe ties with all my relations (this is called moh-attachment). 

You want to severe ties? Ask them to break your heart, see how quickly they'll change for you. You need compassion for people, treat others like you would like to be treated. Im sure if you were a son to a father who has left you, you would hate your father for the rest of your life.

Hows this for severe ties, you'll die, like everyone but you can still care for people on the way. Dont confuse compassion to attachment.

[sevak]

23 minutes ago, LiquidSky said:

You want to severe ties? Ask them to break your heart, see how quickly they'll change for you. You need compassion for people, treat others like you would like to be treated. Im sure if you were a son to a father who has left you, you would hate your father for the rest of your life.

Hows this for severe ties, you'll die, like everyone but you can still care for people on the way. Dont confuse compassion to attachment.

By severe ties .. i meant like "mental" ties .... like for example, when you are dying you shouldn't be thinking "oh wats gonna happen to my wife and kids." like that sort of ties. I agree with you on the other things. 

[LiquidSky]

29 minutes ago, sevak said:

By severe ties .. i meant like "mental" ties .... like for example, when you are dying you shouldn't be thinking "oh wats gonna happen to my wife and kids." like that sort of ties. I agree with you on the other things. 

I think thats a good thing, because your acting as a provider. So logically you'll try to put your child in the right direction. Tell them your not going to be here all of their life, they'll have to then stepup.

I think you're "attachted" because you havent finished your work or feel you have more to offer?

[sevak]

2 hours ago, LiquidSky said:

I think thats a good thing, because your acting as a provider. So logically you'll try to put your child in the right direction. Tell them your not going to be here all of their life, they'll have to then stepup.

I think you're "attachted" because you havent finished your work or feel you have more to offer?

Yes, you are correct it is partly "acting" as a provider and at the sometime feeling that their is unfinished work. I think this is the "moh"... I need to get over it.