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HisServant

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HisServant last won the day on June 6 2023

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About HisServant

  • Birthday 08/22/1997

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  1. I agree bro. slowly getting back on track. I think it will take time to figure out a balance. But hopefully I'll get there.
  2. I am working on getting myself back on track. I just had my first session of actively listening and focusing on shabad again. I keep remembering this: ਚਉਗਿਰਦ ਹਮਾਰੈ ਰਾਮ ਕਾਰ ਦੁਖੁ ਲਗੈ ਨ ਭਾਈ ॥੧॥ Right now it feels like shabad is coming from every direction. Like a circle. It also feels like a bubble of energy. I feel so stable right now. I don't know if this is what this tuk is referring to. i’m working on building discipline again. just focusing on shabad by itself while going about the day is making so much of a difference. I'm also realizing a lot about myself right now. i think the reason why I fell off is because I was given some bad advice a few years ago. Someone told me that I should only do simran in life and not focus on kirat. I was a kid back then. I put myself in a mindset where I was doing a lot of simran but falling behind on work/school because of the advice I was given. I eventually had a wake up call when I needed to fix a number of things. I also witnessed/experienced a lot of drama a few years ago with people who I thought were strong with their bhagti and other Sikh groups. I didn't like how they treated people + the number of fights/arguments. So much happened over the years that I got a little pushed away. And then getting back into things was hard because there was the underlying fear that if I no longer felt any anxiety, I would not have any drive to do any work. When I was going hardcore I felt no extreme emotions and no anxiety at all. I think my mind created a trap for itself. But i think it’s also what gurbani calls “bemukh”. shabad is there but actively choosing not to listen. Literally turning your back away from the guru. I feel so much better right now. i haven’t been this calm and stable in i think years. I know once i stop listening all the stress and pressure is going to come back. But i don’t think i have the discipline to maintain constant focus yet. It's going to take time I appreciate this site right now because it's helping me track changes + there's accountability.
  3. It has been a very long time since I have been on this site so I hope everyone's doing well. I had another big experience recently that I needed to share. But before I do that I need to be honest - I vow to always be as transparent as possible - I am never going to pretend as if bhagti has always been perfect or pretend that things are going well right now. I have been off track for a while now. That is somewhat why I am not as active anymore. Also because I have been extremely busy. But my bhagti is not as good as it used to be. I still hear shabad 24/7. I still see parkash. But I do not actively keep myself focused and because of the lack of focus I feel stress. My emotions are stable for the most part. No extreme bursts of happiness or negative emotions. But sometimes extremes come. But stress is a big issue I deal with these days - I work more than double full time on my business and I am also taking 7 courses at a time (5 is a full course load) while managing a lot of other stuff. It's a lot - a lot of people tell me it's not humanly possible but somehow I do this and manage straight A+'s. But nonetheless - I live a very busy and high stress life now. And bhagti is low but the base you guys helped me develop has helped me manage everything I have to deal with. ok now as per what the experience was: - I was going through a few days where there was A LOT of pressure on me. I was about to hit rock bottom. Felt very anxious and thought I was going to get crushed. - For the first time in a long time I started intensely focusing on parkash. I fell asleep while focusing. - I went into a dream phase. When my bhgati was good I would never have dreams. But I have them on a normal basis now. I started having dreams when I fell asleep that day. - The dream was very bad. The dream had everything bad/negative/stressing me out. My biggest problem/stressor was the main focal point of the dream. - Long story short - I found a solution and my first thought was "all of this is in my control”. - For the first time in my life I began lucid dreaming. At that point I was able to disconnect my non physical self from the physical. I don't know how to explain it. Or if I'm using the right terms. - After this point it becomes very difficult to explain what happened. But I essentially was moving at an extremely fast pace. Not my physical body but the mind/non physical body or whatever you call it. Don't quote me on this. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just trying to use analogies to explain what it was like - but it felt like how souls might travel at death. Maybe I'm wrong. but that's how I would imagine it. - I began a very intense focus in a very infinite place. I was unaware of my physical body. Nothing but parkash and shabad were there. It was an empty void. - There was absolutely no concept of time, space, physicality. It was nothing. - Whatever I could feel was vibrating. This vibration was so strong it was like an intense shredder destroying anything that existed of me. Like being sucked into a blackhole and disintegrating. The sounds were so loud. Like an entire nuclear explosion. - It was very short lived - I started having thoughts and within a few minutes (maybe seconds - time was not there). It ended. But - just like that one experience I had years and years ago - the bottomless pit of energy was there. I still do not know how to describe it. I want to try and understand what this is. But I know seeking answers will not be easy on that. I keep wondering "was that 'god'?". The first time that experience happened it completely changed my life. And having it a second time (even though it was not as intense) was still a lot. Like the opposite effect of trauma. When I woke up - my physical body and mind felt a level of relaxation I have not felt in a long time. I was fully stress free. I was so chilled out. I previously had a headache that was not going away. Even that was gone. --> What assured me of the validity was the fact that the lucid dreaming phase was in my control. Even the transmigration phase felt like a choice. It definitely was not a dream from that point on - I was neither awake or asleep. Remaining focused while the sound/vibrations also felt like a choice. The only thing that wasn't a choice was the sound/vibrations happening. Those were coming from somewhere. Everything was merging into one. I want to get myself back into the level of practice I used to have. I am an adult now. I am in school and also working full time with so many other responsibilities. I know that is not an excuse but I fully understand why it is hard for a lot of people. My teenage years were good. I am happy a base/level of knowledge was developed during that time. And this random big experience was a bit of a wake up call. It's like waheguru literally dragging me by my feet and forcing me back into bhagti. that's what it literally felt like. like being picked up and thrown into this bottomless pit. whatever it is. I still haven't fully understood what that is. I hope I can get my practice back to where it used to be. I am making small changes. but I know it will take time. In the meantime just know I appreciate all of you guys a lot. Everyone who has given me tips and advice over the years. Everyone who has guided me. Given me feedback and even challenged my experiences for validity. It is always a challenge trying to figure out what experience is valid through "gurmat" vs the games/tricks the mind plays. So much love and respect to all of you.
  4. I forgot to mention this but this has been happening a lot more as of yesterday - I remember I posted a pretty major experience about a year ago - where I hit this place which was like a bottomless pit of energy. Something very powerful. Beyond anything I've ever experienced. And it has life to it. It's not in a particular place - like you know when you see parkash, you can point out where you see it? Or if you hear shabad, you can say "I hear it in my head" or "above my head" or wherever you hear it? But this has no position. Neither inside nor outside the body. Yet it's more powerful and "vivid" than parkash or shabad. But no actual sight or sound. It's just "energy". It's there whether eyes are open are closed. It's there in meditation and outside. Even when I'm walking around at work, studying, etc it's always there. I don't know how to describe it yet but once I do I will post an update.
  5. I'm 23 lol. Hopefully I'll have a "mini me" one day but I'm not even married yet. But to answer the question - the physical aspect of the mind/body complex still lives life with complete passion. But what's different for me is there's less of a sense of "self". Like just dissolving. The system exists in one capacity but also does not exist. During meditation, the shift is more towards dissolution (every idea of "self" is completely gone - including the feeling of the body, dreams, thoughts - I won't get into this too much) but outside of meditation the shift is closer to a centre point. It's really hard to explain the spiritual side but the best way I can put it is having both sides of a coin coinciding. It's a lot easier to explain the physical changes in terms of personality and personal life expression because those can actually be explained using language and analogies. I'll be completely open and honest - I'm not very religious and I have been in relationships. I know this will likely upset a lot of people. But I have a lot of close friendships and some of those friendships have turned into relationships. The difference is that there is a lot more detachment when there are problems in a relationship. There's less or no heartbreak if the person leaves. This was not the case for me when the spiritual side was not as developed. I used to get very sad. But now I just let go. I'm not perfect. But things are a lot better. And in relationships, there is a lot more focus on the other person and keeping them happy. And the desire to make sure their needs are taken care of. The love is still there (I'm not an absent partner) but there is almost no fear and pain during the difficult times. Even with family - years ago - I did not have much care or concern for my parents. But over the years, I've developed a lot more love for them as well. There is a lot more of a desire to take care of them. But not an obsession or major attachment. For me personally - it's not like taking an anti-depression medication and being completely numb. I'm emotionless during meditation - but I live life with complete passion. I express joy and happiness. I have a lot of friends. I'm a social person and I like to be around people. I even put my foot down when it's needed and put people in their place. And I think these are all just normal aspects of life. A security guard can't sweet talk everyone - they need to put their foot down and show anger, even if they aren't actually angry. Even in Sikh history - there are a lot of examples of our Guru's putting their feet down and other times where they are expressing compassion for people. Not in an obsessive way - just living life with full passion but still being detached. They even had the best horses and thrones - maya wasn't "bad" - what was considered "bad" was the obsession with those objects. And as a father - I think this would help me be a better parent. There's more clarity when life problems come up and there is more sympathy and compassion. I actually look forward to having a family one day and raising a child or two. My detachment is a lot better in relationships but I know being a parent is a completely different ball game. I know I won't be perfect but meditation will definitely keep me more calm and stable. I do work in the emergency department of a hospital - and I do feel a lot more concern for my patients. There's a desire to go above and beyond to make them feel better (both physically and emotionally). There are times when things do not go well with a patient and I end up sitting in a quiet room crying and getting emotional. But not out of frustration - more out of sympathy and concern for the patient. I don't know if this is supposed to happen, but it's how I naturally react sometimes and I don't hold it in. Even with friends and family - I'm usually the one always asking people if they are ok or being the one everyone wants to vent to. But this could also just be my personality. It might not reflect the effects of meditation. I think what is "achieved" is the ability to not obsess and feel free. And there is a lot less stigma and prejudice. You often see people treat homeless people and drug users differently than they would treat any other patient. As healthcare workers, we're taught to stay away from those mental blocks but it's still a natural human instinct to make assumptions. I've noticed myself doing this a lot less. It's the same amount of concern and care for all patients regardless of how they look or how they are as a person. And finally - my productivity is out of this world - not falling trap to emotions has given me so much freedom to do so much more. - I work about 72-84 hours per week at the hospital (12 hour shifts, 6-7 days a week) - I am taking 7 university courses (I'm a straight A student with very high grades - I used to get very low grades years back) - I am also doing a healthcare certificate which most people work on full-time - Doing my realtor certificate which most people also do full-time - I also run my own small business and working on a second one About 5 full-time activities at the same time. We can do a lot as people when emotions are not in the way. I don't have to do any of these things and I'm not forcing myself or pushing myself, I'm just passionate for all 5 and want to do them. I decided to sacrifice a year and work on my credentials to open up the chances to a better future. Med school is competitive and I'm still working on becoming a doctor. It's a lot harder in Canada than it is in the US. Our schools typically have 5000-6000 applicants (each) and they take about 200 each. But in the meantime, I'm just doing what I enjoy.
  6. I appreciate the kind words. But also my views on ideas like this have really changed. I don't think there is a beginner or expert. Everything (god) is already there. There's nothing to look for. I want you to watch this next video carefully: ^^^ I think this can be compared to how we see people. Both objects in each scenario are the same, but they're perceived as different. Just like how we see people. On the physical surface, just bones, flesh etc - a biomechanical suit. Which is run by some sort of intelligence that has been shaped by a persons experiences (including previous lives), their upbringing, their family life, the "good" and "bad" things that have happened to them. Whether or not someone believes in "fate", it seems like it could still be argued that we don't have much control over our lives, even our own actions. If you had lived the exact same experiences as someone else, I think it would be likely that your actions would mimic them. So how can one be labeled as a "sinner" and one as a "saint"? During the heightened moments where everything is a bit more "clear" and the intuition is strong, it feels like I've just been living in "psychosis" my entire life. Just like when people see things that aren't there and they get sent to a psych ward for a mental illness evaluation. These are just my opinions in the current moment - things often change for me the deeper I go. ^^^ And then in this video, how god is viewed. When she hides the toy, the kid thinks the toy has disappeared and doesn't know where it is. But it's always right in front of her. Just like this - In spirituality - where is god? who is the sinner and who is the saint? Who is the atheist and who is the religious person? A lot of perceptions really change - In some of the sessions it feels like the universe in within the mind instead of the body/mind complex being within the universe. Everything just flips.
  7. As for physical measurable experiences - "parkash" is a lot stronger and feels like a "tool". If I'm ever tired, I just sit in the place where there's light (when I say light I don't mean a literal light but more of a light that's colourless but also can get very bright - I know it's probably hard to try and figure out what that would look like). But sitting in that spot feels refreshing for the physical body. The mind lets go of the body in a very different way now. It's like it just dissolves and then all that's left is space. It's a very easy and smooth process. Just like sugar dissolving into water. And then eventually gets to the point where all memories, thoughts and sense of self is gone. There's this experience that happens where it feels like the mind is going through mini explosion type phases. The deeper and longer I sit in there, the more of a shock I go into once I wake up. Waking up from that state and transitioning back into the body feels like entering tregun for the first time. It's a literal shock for a second or two until I remember who I am again. It's like being in two different worlds - the physical world where the body lives life and then being non existent. But even when the mind is with the physical body that "non-existent state" still exists. It's very difficult to put labels on it and describe it but the best way I can put it is "I exist but also don't". It's like being a ball of energy in a physical body. And at times it feels like what "I" am or could be also exists outside of the body. The part of the body-mind complex that takes in sensory information is a lot more in tune with subtle energies as well. I feel a stronger collection of energy around the head. It's very heavy. I don't know how to explain this. And then at times it feels like the entire universe is inside the mind. I lived most of my life with the perspective that the universe is external and outside of the body. They felt like separate parts. But now it's like "everything else" is inside the thing that feels like "me". So as a result, everything feels like it's "me". BUT at the same time "me" feels like it does not exist so it's as if nothing actually exists. Again, "illusion" is the best term but it still doesn't describe what's being processed by the sensory system. When I type all of this out it really does not make any sense but the experience itself makes sense when experienced. This is why I stopped telling my friends and family my experiences or updating on here. There's just no way to explain things anymore that make sense through language. Edit: And to add to all of this - only the experiences that have a "visual" or "sound" or some other form of connection to tregun can actually be described. Anything that goes beyond the senses or cannot be connected to tregun using an analogy can't actually be put in writing. They're experienced but then the mind can't even properly remember them.
  8. How's everyone doing? I miss you guys. I'm never on here as much as I want to. Just thought I'd post an update because a few people sent me personal messages asking how things are. bhagti isn't even bhagti anymore. everything in the physical world and the mind feels like a cluster of sensory information. just a bunch of lines, sounds and a compilation of "noise" making up a "world". It's like not even existing anymore. Even though there's a body, there's a mind and there's sensory input... it still feels like nothing exists. Illusion is the best word to use but that doesn't do justice. It's not something that can be conceptualized. But it feels like freedom. Life is just happening. It's like a state of flow. It's difficult to put it into words that make sense. The words are just concepts and descriptions and the one who hears the words creates an image based on their subjective experience and understanding of the world. How do you even know what other people are seeing and experiencing is the same as you? How do I know if I see colours the same as others? What if my version of red is green for someone else? What if my taste of sweet is sour for someone else? Everything's just a bunch of thoughts and sensory input. Everything's just been labeled by each persons intellectual faculty. Some of the craziest experiences happen. But what's most alluring is this experience of dissolution. It's like existing in one capacity but at the same time not existing. The other experiences just feel like "noise" or "entertainment". The inner and outer world feel like space and noise. But at the same time it's also quiet and empty. It's noise but also silence. Full but also empty. But also neither one of those concepts. I don't know who or what I am. I don't know what or who god is. Nor do I know if either even exist.
  9. ਅਖੀ ਬਾਝਹੁ ਵੇਖਣਾ ਵਿਣੁ ਕੰਨਾ ਸੁਨਣਾ ॥ To see without eyes; to hear without ears; I think this is the corresponding shabad
  10. Blessings to everyone. I am writing this today in a bit of shock and disbelieve but at the same time a lot of peace and satisfaction. These past few weeks/months had been a bit of a rough sail for me. I had lost a lot of faith in spiritual teachers. I had been hearing and seeing a lot of drama that didn't sit well with me. So part of me fell off the boat a bit. I was still listening to shabad and looking at parkash. But I wasn't putting effort in to try and move further. I was sitting still. Something even worse happened in my personal life a few days ago. A very subtle but very strong attachment got pulled away from me. An attachment I didn't realize was there but was really consuming my mind. I'm not going to lie, I lost my stability. I was upset. Angry. Lost. Confused. And it had been a very long time since I experienced a pain that made me upset like that. I began isolating myself and really letting my mind be consumed by shabad and parkash because I knew that was the only way out of the trap I had fallen into. I had to work extremely hard. But just now I was laying on the floor looking at parkash internally. I opened my eyes to look at the parkash that exists externally. Mind was clear, no thoughts. And I had a realization. "This parkash exists both outside and inside... Are my physical eyes the one seeing them?..... And then all of a sudden I felt this third area of space. A place that wasn't the internal body, nor the external world. It was this place in the middle. I think it was beyond the mind or some extension of the mind. And sitting in that space there was just parkash. It was like looking at a new world with a new set of eyes. The best way I can describe this is by using the term "non-physical" eyes. It's as if the parkash outside and inside had become one. I cannot describe the amount of peace and contentment the mind and body feels sitting in that area. I don't know if it's correct for me to stay in that space. But I just wanted to write this out with the hopes that maybe someone knows what this is.
  11. One day someone throws a stone at you and hits you with the stone. You ask yourself, “who am I angry with?” You are quick to respond, “I am angry at that person” However, it was the stone that hit you… not the person. Why aren’t you angry at the stone? You think, “I’m not angry with the stone because the stone had no intention to hit me. The stone is an inanimate object that was thrown by a person. So I am angry at that person”. Using that logic, you shouldn’t be angry at the person. You should be angry at their pain. … Because the person is just like the stone. Helplessly thrown by their pain.
  12. I'm looking for a job in Downtown Toronto this summer. My resume is pretty thick and I have a really wide range of skills and experiences. it's my last term of University and I'm about to graduate.
  13. I've been spending a lot of time recently observing how people react to conflict and other situations of tension. And I'm starting to see how carrying a certain perspective can either make or break your spirituality. Whether this perspective taking is developed through bhagti or whether you need to develop this perspective to do bhagti is beyond me (like what came first, the chicken or the egg?). But I've summarized it into a few different categories. Disclaimer: this is not a complete list and is solely based on where my current understanding of the world sits. I'm just sharing what my current perspective on human behaviour is. 1. Complete duality - During this stage, a seeker has absolutely zero perspective taking ability. Does not understand that the other person has distinct thoughts and feelings. The focus is solely on the actions of the other individual. Children often express this at the earliest stage of their development. As for adults, they may have developed and have a higher understanding, but the veil of ego is so deep that they do not understand the views of the other. During this phase, a person is susceptible to the most amount of conflict and/or hurt feelings. I feel like this is where people often sit when they start fights, lash out, throw chairs and get malicious... or are in a lot of emotional pain and grief by the actions of others. "I am completely separate from this person. This other person is angry. This person yells at me and makes me feel sad. This is a bad individual... etc". 2. Partial understanding - At this stage, the seeker understands that others have their own thoughts and feelings. Other people act according to their own thoughts and feelings. But the seeker still may not realize that those thoughts and feelings may be fuelled by an underlying set of desires or goals. This seems to often lead to people holding grudges, not communicating, pushing people they don't like away but the emotional pain from the actions of others is reduced. ie "This person is mad whenever I do not take off my shoes when I enter the house. These actions make them angry. And then they yell at me". 3. The beginning of perspective taking - At this stage, the seeker starts to understand that others have goals and desires that differ from them. People act according to those goals and desires. At this stage, a seeker would recognize that other people are angry for a specific reason. And they may work on avoiding the things that make that person feel a certain way. ie "This individual wants to keep their floor clean because their desire is to have a clean house. Therefore, if someone dirties their house, they get angry. I should take off my shoes whenever I enter their house so the floor does not get dirty". But the seeker may still react negatively if their is confrontation for a mistake on their behalf. ie If the seeker accidentally walks into the house with their shoes on, instead of apologizing, they may still work to protect their own ego and possibly still lash out in a negative manner". 4. A deeper sense of perspective taking - At this point the seeker begins to understand that other people's thoughts, goals and desires are influenced by a variety of factors. This may include cultural, societal and other norms. The seeker understand that people are heavily influenced by their upbringing and the seeker begins to put themself in the shoes of the other. And realize if they had been in that persons shoes, they may feel the same way. And this is where I see empathy *begins* to develop. And there is remorse for certain actions taken on behalf of the seeker. ie "If I also had the desire to keep my house clean and someone dirtied it, I would also feel angry." And instead of lashing out, there is remorse and a seeker would rather apologize for something accidental, instead of protecting their own ego. 5. Complete perspective taking - By complete, I don't mean this is the final point. I think the understanding of differing perspectives is infinite. But I believe this stage is satisfactory enough to understand where others come from in their actions, reactions and feelings. At this point a seeker understands that the factors which influence a persons thoughts, goal and desires goes beyond cultural and social norms. There are also past experiences, traumas, neglect, differing stages of maturity, and possibly an infinite amount of other factors influencing the other persons mentality. Some of these factors may be known and easily understandable, but others may be a lot harder to pinpoint and may not be observable at a surface level. ie "This person gets angry when their house is dirtied. If I accidentally dirty their house, I should clean up myself so I can respect their desire to keep their house clean." But also at this point the seeker may also be able to understand behaviours that are not normal. For example in the case where someone has OCD or is anti-social. Instead of being weirded out, they may be able to understand that maybe this person suffers from trauma or neglect. And their thoughts and feelings over certain situations are beyond their control. I see this as especially important in intimate relationships because you really get to know another person. If a partner has certain behaviours or reactions that are seen as very abnormal. The seeker would understand that these may be a result of issues from early childhood. 6. "There is no difference between you and I" - I know this may be a big jump. But I see this as a higher level of understanding where the seeker realizes that every person is physically just flesh and bones. If the seeker had the same life experiences, culture, and even past life karams as the other person... there is almost a complete certainty that they would react in the same was as the other person. There is a lot of freedom when the mind sits with this mentality. 7. Nothing exists outside of God - At this point, it's no longer a level of educational understanding. But spiritual awakening and inner realization. Where the seeker see's Waheguru's jot within every person. And see's the world as Waheguru's doing. All the plays of karma are Wahegurus doing. Again, this is more of a spiritual experience rather than a state of intellectual knowledge. I know the examples that I provides are pretty basic but I think it could easily be applied to other, more complex situations. ie a cult leader. - This person may be lonely, neglected as a child and be seeking attention. - They want to act as a guiding figure for other people but may completely misunderstand what other peoples wants and needs are. This list is infinite. But again, this is just my understanding at this point. I know it will get deeper and more complex as there is more spiritual growth.
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