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The Unknown Bridge


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Sat siri akaal

I'm not sure where I should start this topic, post this message, so God will lead me again, for the best of everyone.

My post is titled "The Unknown bridge" because it is exactly what is infront of me now.

How many people were born in a country, raised by its culture and habits, beliefs and rules, and then had to change them all, for a new world, a new life, a new way of living ? How many ? Not much I guess.

People who change their whole life are a minority.

I think I am part of this minority ... well, I'm sure I am.

Have you ever had the feeling that you came by bus to a place, with your family and friends, you got off the bus to visite around, and then the bus left without you ! So then, you were alone in a place you don't speak the language, you don't understand the rules, the meaning of their thoughts ...

I do. I do had and have this feeling, since many many years, since I was a child.

I did my best to learn how to live in this "world", and the teachings were hard, the lessons were painful.

I could die, many times, but I didn't. A miracle, probably ... miracle of God, for sure.

I hided and hushed up my truth all along those years. I can't anymore.

I started to read posts here, and to exchange with some of them, just a few days ago, and it is like a relief for me. Hope is back.

But how can I cross this bridge, as I can't see it well for now. I wish there is a bridge, I guess there is one, I bet there is one ....

But it is the unknown bridge for the moment, because I never walked so far away from the culture, from the rules, from the beliefs of people with who I lived until now. No, I never walked so far, and now the world I left is a long long way return, a way I can't walk anymore because it is impossible to reclose my consciousness.

I never walked neither in the new world, so I don't know how it is. I came very close to it, and it smells good, it seems good, it gives me a good feeling ... enough to attracte me more and more each day.

I need to go there, to leave the world I know and to start a new journey, in a new world. This world is made of eastern people, and especially Sikh people. Why ? Ask God. He led me here.

I already wrote about this experience, but there is so many little details ... like this one I didn't tell you yet : I was traveling through Canada, with my backpack and all my life in it. Everything was left, almost. Almost means I still had a little money from France because I'm visually impaired. I was traveling by my own, and for the first time through Canada, going west. I was also at the end of a year of fasting. I thought my ankles would break because of the weight of my bag ! And it was a long time I didn't speak english, anyway, the first time I heard the canadian accent ( I learnt english from UK, at school).

If I tell you all those details, it is not to look like a hero, but then you can imagine how my sixth sense, my intuition, my perception were high. It is how we are when we are so vulnerable. And in this time of extreme vulnerability, I met a very generous single mom who hosted me for a while. One day we started to talk about India, as we both feel attracted to this country (she was also reading the biography of Ghandi). How we started to talk about sikhs, I don't remember, but then we both were ignorant about sikhs and sikhisme ! ;)

So, after our talk, I went on internet and wrote "sikh" on google pictures. Many people would search some definition, some writings, a map of India, I don't know, but not pictures. I did. I started to look at these portraits, one by one, slowly, very concentrated and open. And in a few minutes I felt so .... safe ! This was very surprising, ununderstandable, new, unexpected. But very true. I never felt so safe before, especially with strangers !

This was so wierd that I thought "God is behind this !"

Now that I talk with you, I understand better, day after day. It is safe to talk the same language.

Sacred language. Language of heart. I needed it and I probably walked my own desert to come here, like Jesus and so many others before me !

So, it looks like there is a bridge, which can take me to the other side. You all are this bridge, a bridge made of humans, of humanity.

Tonight I find enough humility to ask for help.

I already expressed that I would like to become sikh. Then I realised that in a way I am already sikh, because sikh means" disciple". I had no Temple where to go, so I realised that my body is the first Temple I am responsible for. Now I need to share more, to learn about sikhisme, of course, but not just that. It is not just a new religion I have to embrace, it is a whole new way of living. Because I appreciate the values of sikhi, I can feel them into my heart, I feel in harmony with them.

I left everything, job, home, family, and traveled the world to find my home. I was homeless since ... not ready to tell that here ... anyway, since a very long time.

I'm back in France, into a life I know and where I feel homeless again. Orphan.

Sorry, I guess I can't finish this message now. I am crying. My fears are coming up, my ego is harassing me : 'Are you mad ? Nobody cares ! You gonna look stupid !"

That is the story of my life, not being able to tell my whole truth before my ego cut my mouth.

I need your strength, and don't know if anyone will understand that I need help. This is the Unknown bridge.

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Yes, I hear you when you say to share more and more.

I do my best to share more. This is very demanding to me.

This post I wrote yesterday night, was demanding. I prayed and meditated after that, and my energy was so high all night long.

So I will share more, the more I can for now.

I know I have to tell my whole truth, to open up and love myself as I am, with that past which led me here. I know it is the only way to heal, to feel the presence of God more and more, into my heart, into my soul, into my body/temple.

The difficulty for me is to be apart of the group, the human group !

More I open up and tell my truth, even with the shame I still feel, more I feel the presence of God ... and more I am alone here, in the culture I was born, in the rules I've been educated.

I am a human too, and I need a community too, I need sisters, brothers, fathers, mothers. I need people I can trust and who listen to me for true, when I feel weak and vulnerable, angry and upset. It is right to feel weak, it gives strength, but in the culture I live, it seems annoying, exasperating, irritating.

I'm complaining, I know ... the pain is still there, I'm aware of that.

I don't deny that I am at the right place, at the right time. I am also aware that I create my own reality, my own path, led by God, and disturbed by my ego. I know how it goes to learn the meaning of life, I'm aware of certain rules now, Universal rules, Sacred rules.

I think I'd like to be heard, even if I complain, and not rejected anymore.

Okay ... I try

Easier to start with the souvenir of that post about sex before marriage and adultery. I replied to this post, because I feel very concerned. (my heart beats strongly now ... my ego harasses me again ... Pray Ouka, pray ...)

I don't know what would be my feelings if I had sex before marriage because I chose so. I don't know how I would feel if the adultery I knew was also my choice. I just know how trapped, into guilt and shame, I feel because both of them happened to me ... when I was 4 years old. It could not be my choice, of course, I was 4 years old. But then I am part of a story that needed to be hidden and forgotten. And I feel like Pandora and the box, where this truth is hidden. My family denies, since ever, even my mother. I was the one who made the adultery possible. This situation is so complexe, and so perverse.

I had a true accident, a true injury, and everybody denied this around me, because I was also the culprit.

My father talked to me to make this (wrong) event being normal, but at least a secret between him and I, because nobody would believe me, they would be jealous, they would reject me and I would be ALONE, I would hurt my mother and make her so sad ... It was scary for a ... child. And actually, it is true ! I felt rejected all this time, because there is a monster inside me, a monster that nobody wants to see, to face, to listen to.

Can you imagine what is life then in a judeo-christian environment ? even with atheist parents !

I feel like I spent my life in a jail, and the jail in this secret I had to carry by my own on my shoulders.

It is because I found God that I could get off the jail. (actually, the jail started to disappear when I realised that God is in everything, so was also the jail. If God is the jail, then there is no more jail, just an illusion of it So I started to feel free again. This was last october)

This is part of my healing, of freedom, to tell my truth and being afraid of rejection again. But it is the only way I can heal, try again, trust again, with the fear about the risk to be betrayed again, judged again, rejected again, forgotten and ignored again.

So yes, it is very demanding to me to tell this truth here, to people I don't know. And if it works out, if then nobody reject me, if people talk to me in return, and reach me, help me, rather than turn their head in the other side, if this time people open up to me, rather than ignore me, so I will probably heal. Life shows me now that it is time to take the risk again. The first time I did, I was 4 years old and my mother cut my mouth with a slap.

It is similar to the story taught in the Bible, about "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone". My mother cast the first stone.

And here, and now, 44 years later, who will cast the first stone to me ?

This was demanding, but I feel proud and brave, I did it. I walked one more step, with the help of God, God that I can see through you too.

Waheguru Waheguru

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