Shhh121

Many thanks brother you’ve been a massive help, thank you for you advise and listening ear. I will attempt to start making this part of my routine, unfortunately I work a lot of nights so my time clock is completely upside to most peoples so doing so early morning upon waking won’t be possible for me. No excuses though, I usually do hear things like Rehras and ardaas at home through when my mother prays, it’s purely not understanding it which is why I’ve never taken it so serious there are English written subtitles on tv when it’s played and it’s in old English but I figured you can’t really meditate and get in tune if your reading from a screen? Imo I agree I think it’s best I just carry on as normal and not try to avoid her etc if something is meant to happen it will do, I’m not one to force anything, I respect myself a lot more nowdays so I won’t allow for it. I saw her sitting in her car park as I was leaving this evening, part of me wanted to go back inside just to bump into her but I cannot allow for that weak thirsty energy, I must remain strong and just carry on about my business, what’s meant to be will be I guess. I know ultimately she could just be a test for me nothing more, it’s crazy how judgment can be clouded based on desire, I can see how toxity is formed 

If I’m honest today I feel strong and positive, after viewing the YouTube videos on lust teachings last night and also talking things through on here I feel like weight is slowly being removed from my shoulders. It’s also been 2 weeks today that returned to celibacy so I’m starting to feel myself again slowly. Offcourse that will all change on bad days and perhaps when I run into her again but I feel more positive today for sure 

I guess she can start something but she has expressed her interest or liking for me with great intensity for far too long. I feel like she may be slightly insecure, the way she carries herself sometimes I can tell she’s been hurt or carries some kind of baggage. She also occasionally has come to train with friends a few times and there not very attractive girls and they all seem to be black girls so maybe coloured people are her preference, but seems like she wants the limelight for herself so trains with less attractive people, as mentioned she also dresses appealing so maybe again due to insecure reasons and the occasions we are directly training opposite eachother she’s unable to look at me direct and into my eyes, almost like she’s shy or nervous. Yet from a far and few metres distance between us she will gaze at me and look me in the face. Just get the impression my mother wouldn’t approve because she doesn’t seem very homely, it’s just me making assumptions though as I don’t personally know her nor ever spoken to her, she could actually be a really nice person. As mentioned my mother is quite religious so paath is on in the house a lot and I do hear it, it’s just I don’t understand it so I can’t fully appreciate it. It’s very possible she does just want a fling but I’m sure that Desire wears off after a while as her desires could be fulfilled eleswhere, I don’t think it would still be going for one year if it wasn’t something more. I also feel as if she could have anyone she wanted and most men would fall at her feet and I guess guys are validating her on a daily basis, problem is now I’m taking care of myself women are doing it to me now too, so I guess I’m starting to see my own worth now which is why I won’t surrender to her and fall at her feet like most men do, ultimately this could be why I’m probably attracting her because I’m no longer walking around with sexual thirst like most men are 

I think I’ve been caught in a moment of weakness and perhaps even being tested for some reason. Something tells me I must remain strong and my true queen is waiting for me on the other side, I just have to deal with this and conquer it I guess. At same time it’s hard to deny my feelings, do I listen to them or deny them that’s what’s confusing me and got my mind and heart in a tangle. Before she came around for the first time in my life I was happy to be single and I never desired anything from a woman, I just felt happy and free being alone and I actually was beginning to fall in love with myself for the first time in my life and I was beginning to like the person I was becoming, I guess it’s like switch in my own inner peace and happiness which is attracting women now, when u learn to love and like yourself I guess others begin to do so too

Many thanks brother I will have a listen to it   thank you for also providing the translations for me 

Morning brother I do speak and understand Punjabi yes, but some slang I don’t really understand if that makes sense. I feel as if I’m just being overwhelmed with emotions lately, few others things going on at the moment too and I know spring can be a funny season for some people as everything is changing around us, guess I just feel extra vulnerable right now, where as in past I was able to shake it off. I must admit though avoiding her just makes me miss her, then when I bump into I’m flooded with emotions more so then ever before, so I guess I do feel a lot weaker in that sense. The sheer masculinity and strong powerful aura and energy I previously had is what attracted her to me i have no doubt about that, i don’t carry that same fire in my heart anymore, it’s lacking I can feel it. I just need to stay strong and get back to full mental freedom and remind myself daily what’s important in life. I don’t think I can find out anything about her to be honest. I do feel like I am somewhat spiritual 100% i believe in god, the universe in the sense that everything is energy and has a magnetic feild, so yes I believe people carry either positive or negative auras and energy based on there thought process, habits in life and the lifestyle they lead and the relationships they hold, as well has there past 

I’ve come to a realisation tonight, or atleast what I think may be going. So as mentioned I’ve come from not a great place internally and mentally, I was never truly happy nor happy happy with myself, I’ve always seeked external sources to give me temporary happiness or what I thought was happiness at the time. This in itself is all wrong, I realise now that true happiness comes from searching within and being at ease within and almost free as a a result of it. As mentioned shortly after starting celibacy back in late April 2020 so a year ago now, this girl came into my presence as did others, but I’ll ignore them there irrelevant to me and my current situation. Obviously I’ve been single a very long time my last partner was back in 2016. Years went by and I never did the whole relationship thing as I was hurt and cut up bag with the girl I was in relationship with. Then lockdown came in and I’ve not had any real interaction with a female since. So I’ve not been physically active in years to be honest, nor have I received any real interest. So along came this girl who was something I previously wouldn’t attract in my wildest dreams, obviously I’m practicing celibacy at this point and I’ve come to ease and peace with waiting for miss right and a woman I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with, so I guess It was a simple no go for me. Now obviously I was feeling great getting all this attention from her and others and I was beginning to lead a healthier life through celibacy, other addictions were no longer a thing as I essentially was going head on against my sexual desires, quite possibly one of hardest things a healthy male can do. So I was in a good place mentally I guess. I felt good about myself, I felt happy and was taking care of my appearance and the way I dressed as a result of it all. Now I don’t know wether this was to attract her furthermore subconsciously or if I was truly feeling great, or perhaps even both I guess. Now that I’ve been avoiding her and she occasionally does it back to me now something she never did before, I almost feel like I’m losing her in some way? And I guess even losing what I thought was my happiness, and I guess I almost feel like now why am I even bothering to go to all these lengths to look good and be the best version of myself anymore. I know it’s all for me and me only it always was about me hence why I started and stepped foot into this journey but it’s just what it feels like to me right now. I know it’s also for my future wife too, I must become the best version of myself for her and also my family and loved ones but to me it feels this way, maybe but entirely this way but perhaps there’s some truth somewhere in what I’ve wrote. Obviously other women stil do pick up on my efforts but I carry this negative energy around with me from having this girl in my mind all the time and I guess I don’t give any one else a chance or even a second look, that’s what it feels like to me. Who knows?!? Talking this through I feel is helping me express my feelings so I Appreciate everyone’s listening ears and input, I literally have not told a soul about this so I carry this weight around on my shoulders, thanks guys sincerely 

Many Thanks for reply and providing YouTube videos, I will certainly take a look with a open mind and heart, much appreciated. I do admit and see now that lust and acting on lust is bad and also a sin. Practicing celibacy has taught me this and made it apparent to me more so. I do also believe in fate and you meet people for a reason. I do find good looking women attractive dont get me wrong, I am human after all. Since practicing celibacy I don’t have sexual urges like I previously did, my desire to fall in love, give my love and be loved outweighs that a million times over, I can say that hand on heart. I don’t suddenly develop feeling for any good looking female and start longing for them,  I just feel something for her inside, it’s a feeling I cannot explain. I can sense she may be feeling it too. Who knows though. As you say I am old enough now and I do need to settle down which is why I’m trying to remain strong, grounded and disclipined and do the right thing here. It’s just something I cannot shake off, mentally I’ve turned weak as of late, I’m like a shell of a man I was few months ago, physically i appear stronger but mentally I lack the Edge and zest I had, she’s sucking my energy almost

Basically I’m not very religious in the sense that I don’t regularly visit the gudwara, I don’t practice paath or anything of that nature. I simply pray daily just to say thanks and to ask for guidance, everytime something good/positive happens in my life I thank god because I know it’s his doing, likewise if anything bad happens I ask for help. 

I guess your right, pray and remain strong and continue on my journey and trust the process, knowing that god will let happen whatever is meant to happen for me. Or as you say take action and follow whatever it is bugging me inside, I’m not so much affraid of being rejected I’d feel a fool personally asking her now after almost a year, that and she’s not a Sikh or atleast Indian girl so I’d be going against what I set out to find. I have no idea on her age she could be anything from mid 20s - early 30s it’s hard to tell with women. She does seem to have a huge passion to workout like myself though and she’s very fit and strong so it must be a big thing in her life as it is mine. Honesty I don’t know what answer I’m even looking for I just feel like I have a huge weight on my shoulder and I need to talk about it to someone, maybe help me see some sense in this all 

Many thanks do you have an info or can you please point me in the right direction on how to start? As I said I do truly wish to become a better person and I do feel like semen retention is doing this for me, I view life differently. I feel different inside my own skin, I feel purer and healthier and almost cleaner. I only eat whole clean foods, I look after myself a lot more I take care and pride in myself now, This is the total opposite to the former me and the former lifestyle I led. It’s just this thing with this girl drags my mood down, other then that I couldn’t be happier. Before I broke celibacy for the 2nd time 2 weeks ago after a 9 month streak I could look directly in the sun and it wouldn’t effect my eyes whatsoever, I felt as if it enriched me, gave me some kind of energy inside, now I look at the sun and it blinds me as it did in the past and tears come out my eyes 

Many thanks for input, yes I’m based in uk born and bred so my ways of thinking and upbringing was in the western world. I haven’t promised my parents anything, I just feel as if it’s the right thing to do for my family and to carry on our tradition. As I say I’m getting older now and I know I stress my parents out a lot because I know all they want for me is to settle down and start the next chapter In my life so I feel like pointless dating etc is purely a distraction and I should only truly giving my time and energy to someone whom fits the criteria. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the reality of it. I must confess I only had one serous relationship my whole life and it ended badly so it crushed me and I ended up deeper down a dark road, everything else been pointless flings which I cannot afford to do anymore I realise that. By breaking my celibacy yes I mean masturbated which I am ashamed of now, in the past I’d mindlessly behave in this manner and feel no way about it, I’ve grown to realise it’s not acceptable nor normal has the western world and way of thinking suggest, so much so I’ve completely detached myself from that world, I no longer use or view any social media, I hardly watch any tv and I no longer go out and socialise only for special occasions, it’s a horrible selfish way to live but i fear I will let my old habits back in so I must remain strong and disciplined. In regards to this girl she clearly can have her pick of a man so who knows if she is single or not, i just can’t work out why she can’t get over me and I can’t work out if I really want and like her or just desire her attention and almost crave it now, maybe I’ve turned into a narcissist I’m not sure, but I’m currently in the best shape of my life and there are other woman about equally has good looking but I can’t this one out my head I try so hard to block it out 

Hi guys I hope all is well, newbie here so bare with me. For the past year I practice strict celibacy, I have my reasons but I find I’m a lot better human being, a lot freer and a lot happier doing so, I was a complete mess before doing so, indulging in addictions, sin, lust and I was always lost never felt happy or loved myself.  I’m in my mid 30s now, and I wish to get married and I promised myself I will only stop this practice for that special someone, I realised I needed to work on myself and I needed to work on becoming the best version of myself in order to meet my future mate. Long story short after the first 2 months of practicing celibacy this girl entered my life at the gym, she showed me interest to a degree which I’ve never felt with such intensity my whole life, she seems crazy about me. The feeling is mutual and I feel the same way never have I had some one so attractive show me such huge interest. There’s other women do the same but something about her just has me hypnotised. I just tried my best to keep my head down and do me. After 2 months I couldn’t hack it I broke my celibacy due to other stresses in my life at the time and obviously increasing constant pursuing from this girl, it became a daily occurrence. The day after breaking celibacy I woke up and fainted, my eyes looked like that of a drug addict and I lost energy in a huge way. My happiness and spring in my step had some how left me I felt a mess. It is at this point I realised that I must continue with this journey. Months went by and I felt happier and freer and better about myself the more time went on, but always this girl kept getting on top of my mood, I’ve lost count how many times I’ve dreamt of her, I dreamt of her yesterday in fact. The past 4 months I have avoided her now and i think She senses me doing it deliberately, she now back away from me occasionally and it breaks my heart, I do the same back to her now and again it destroys me. There’s other times when she will still keep graviting towards me like In the past, it happened the last time I saw her but I left shortly after. 2 weeks ago after 9pm the I once again broke celibacy out of stupidity, again other life stresses came in and it’s been almost a year now and all I can think about is this women whom I’ve never even spoken to before. It’s really getting on top of me once again, I feel down about the whole thing and I’ve lost my shine and the spring in my step. The problem lies where she is a English white girl, my older brother has married a white lady and I promised myself I will do the right thing and marry a Sikh girl for my parents. Obviously I’m not the most religious person in the world, I do say thank you to god every day and I do show my appreciation, I have always done this even when I lived in sin, I always ask to be shown the right way and to help me become a better man and I feel I am doing that leading the lifestyle I am now. I guess I just need someone’s take on the matter who may have a better relationship with god than myself. My mother is quite a religious lady but it’s not something I can discuss with her, and truth be told only one friend knows I’ve adopted this lifestyle in pursuit of becoming a happier, healthier and better man. I know deep down I am not a bad person I always do right by my friends and family, I have a huge heart and I wear my heart of my sleeve as I’m a cancer start sign so I’m controlled by emotions a lot. I’m just really confused at the moment, I believe in fate and if somethings meant to be it will be and if someone’s meant to be in your life they will be so I slighty confused why god and the universe has bought this soul into my life especially has I’ve never been happier being alone and single for once and I’m happy to wait for the right Person, maybe she is the right person and colour shouldn’t matter, I can’t work this out. Maybe it’s purely Desire and lust I’m giving into here, but I truly don’t lust for her in a wrong or bad way I just feel her energy almost, I’m just compelled by her. 
 

any help greatly appreciated, apologies if I carried on abit too much

many thanks