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Some Useful Political Definitions


Malwe Da Sher
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something one of my tutors emailed me, the last one is probably the best. Enjoy :)

PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

> REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbours. You and your neighbours bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

AMERICAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows using Bioengineered hormones. You lobby an ignorant Congress so as to make sure that you do not have to label your milk products - even if they cross state lines. You are surprised when one cow drops dead, but you work out a deal so that you can sell it to a renderer - and feed it back to your herd. Some of the older second-cycle cows cannot be impregnated - while others deliver twins - that have to killed and sold for a pittance... You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

RUSSIAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes however many cows you really have.

ITALIAN CORPORATISM: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

COUNTER CULTURE-ISM: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. The cows object to you opening the gate and tapping them on the backside when taking them from the field to the barn. The cows hire a tort lawyer and end up milking you.

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