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Husband to wife :- Today is a fine day
Next day he says :- Today is a fine day
Again next day, he says same thing - Today is a fine day 
Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband :- Since last one week, you are saying this ‘today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband :- Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day”.

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New Math A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.” In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

Gomer was exultant. "It went great!

First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

 

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

 

 

 

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a admin cut is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a admin cut is nine."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, she called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a admin cut is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

 

 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings."

With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair.

"Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

And the idiot went to heaven.

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Blonde walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

 

 

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

 

 

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

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Intelligent Husband 
.
Wife was busy in packing her clothes. 
.
Husband - Where are you going ?
.
Wife - I'm moving to my mother. 
.
Husband also starts packing his clothes. 
.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
.
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother. 
.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
.
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother. 
.
Clothes unpacked.😉😄😄😄
Pls read n donot delete u will have a smile on your face😃😃

Short Facts......

☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀☀

Wife : "why are u home so early?"

Hubby :  "My boss said go to hell!" 
😆😋
         
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Doctor : How is ur headache ? 
Patient : she's out of town.
😄

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
       (1) Mobile
       (2) Automobile
       (3) TV
       (4) Wife
Because, there is always a 
better model in neighborhood 
😉

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆
      
Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt:

All girls are devils, 
but my wife is the queen of them.

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Q - Why can't Women Drive well? 🚗
Ans - Because there are so many mirrors in a car to distract them.. 
😁          
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Q - If a Woman is Quiet, which day is it?
Ans - Who Cares, just Enjoy that Day.. 
😂
           
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

The woman who invented the phrase ...
"All men are the same" 
was a Chinese woman who lost her husband in a crowd.
😝
           
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

There are 3 kinds of men in this
world.
Some remain single and make
wonders happen. 
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....
😜😜
           
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Wives are magicians........

They can change anything into an argument.
😆😜
           
◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Women live a Better, Longer &
Peaceful Life, as compared to men.
WHY? 
A very INTELLIGENT man replied: 
Women don't have a wife!
😜😜😆😜

◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆ ◆◆◆◆◆◇◆◆◆◆◆

Send this to all men for a good laugh and to women who can handle it...
😃😄😀😛😜😝😉😎😍😘

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On 10/16/2019 at 10:53 PM, harsharan000 said:

No Man Can Ever Be Satisfied with 4 things in life:
       (1) Mobile
       (2) Automobile
       (3) TV
       (4) Wife
Because, there is always a 
better model in neighborhood 

😂 This one really got me laughing. Good one.

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  • 1 month later...

 

A Rich Gujju Had An Accident in his New BMW.


The cops came in and gujju says sadly, "Officer Maari Brand New Car "
Cop: U all Gujju's materialistic nature makes me sick.

You are so Blinded by Money

that you Don't Even Realise your Left Arm has Gone in d Accident.
Gujju looks at his Left Arm and Shouts... 

"O Siiiit .... Maari Rolex...!!!


😜😂😝😜😂😝

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

A father helping his son to complete his home work.....

son has to list 50 animal's name ....

look how nicely this father helps his son

 

 

 

One of the best jokes I have ever seen...  😂😂😂

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  • 2 weeks later...
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  • 1 month later...

👱🏼‍♂Husband borrowed Rs.250 from wife👱‍♀

After a few days he again borrowed Rs.250

Seeing some money 💷in husband's bag 💼, she asked husband 👱🏼‍♂to return the money

When asked how much, wife said that he owes her Rs.4100.

On request, below is working given by wife.👱‍♀

1).      Rs.   2   5  0
2).      Rs.   2   5  0
Total  Rs.   4 10  0

Husband👱🏼‍♂ is still finding the school 🏫 where she👱‍♀ learned Maths.

 Later 👇👇👇

Husband gave her ₹400 back and asked how much balance he has to pay back.

She wrote✍

₹ 4100 --
₹ 400
------------
₹    100

He gave ₹100 back.

Both 👱🏼‍♂👱‍♀ lived happily ever after.
Only maths died.😆

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  • 1 month later...

 

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."

The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

 

 

 

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

 

 

 

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

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Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love.
Wife: Are you sure?
Husband: Yes.
Wife : Turn on the mixer.
Husband : (turns mixer on) GaRrrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye.

Another day......
Suspicious Wife: Where are you?
Husband : At home love. Wife: Are you sure?
Husband : Yes.
Wife: Turn on the mixer.
Husband: (turns mixer on) gaRrreeereeeereeee...
Wife: Ok my love goodbye. 

The next day, the wife decides to go home without notice, and finds her son alone and she asks him, "Son, where is your father?"

Son: "I don't know, he went out with the mixer... 😑😬😳

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  • 1 month later...

Share a joke wth u...

To a WonDerFuL SaTuRDaY EvEninG!

The teacher said...
Let's begin by reviewing some history.
 
Who said: 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death!'?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up:
 "Patrick Henry, 1775."  

She said,  "Very good!  

Who said:  'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth!'?" 

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." 

"Excellent!" said the teacher, continuing. 

"Let's try one a bit more difficult. 
"Who said, 'Ask not what your Country can do for you, but what you can do for your Country'?" 

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." 

The teacher snapped at her class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. 

Little Akio isn't from this Country and he knows more about our history than you do." 

She heard a loud whisper: "F--k the Japs." 

"Who said that? 
I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. 

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
  
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! 
Now who said that?" 

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." 
  
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" 
  
Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit! 
If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" 

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." 
  
The teacher fainted. 

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 
*"Oh shit, we are screwed!"*

Little Akio said quietly, 
"All Americans, Nov 2016 & again in 2020 as Trump got elected!

😯😱😵🥵🥶😂🤣😄😁😆

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Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds

 

 

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find North America . 
MARIA:         Here it is. 
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now I ask the class, who discovered America ? 
CLASS:         Maria. 
_
TEACHER:    John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using the tables. 
___________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong 
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.   
(I  Love this child) 
___________
TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER:   What are you talking about? 
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
( A Classic)
 ___________
TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE:       Me! 
( Bowled Out) 
___________
TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so dirty?         
GLEN:          Well, I'm a  lot closer to the ground than you are.   
_( Stunning)
__________
TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting with '  I.  ' 
MILLIE:         I  is... 
TEACHER:     No, Millie...... always say, 'I  am.' 
MILLIE:         All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet'       
( You Asked for it) ___________
TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS:          Because  George still had  the axe in his hand......     
(Down to Earth) 
___________
TEACHER:    Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.   
( So Practical) 
__________ 
TEACHER:       Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? 
CLYDE   :         No sir, It's about the same dog.     
(I want to adopt this kid!!!) 
__________
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD:     A teacher 

(Really frank)
___________

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A family was consuming Vitamin C, B, Zinc, drinking Kadha etc to enhance their immunity.

Their neighbour, who was aware of this, after some weeks, asked them about any improvement. They replied: 

Earlier, when we quarrelled, we used to get tired in an hour. Now we can go on for 5-6 hours😳

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