Dealing with crush/infatuations/emotions

[Shhh121]

Hi guys I hope all is well, newbie here so bare with me. For the past year I practice strict celibacy, I have my reasons but I find I’m a lot better human being, a lot freer and a lot happier doing so, I was a complete mess before doing so, indulging in addictions, sin, lust and I was always lost never felt happy or loved myself.  I’m in my mid 30s now, and I wish to get married and I promised myself I will only stop this practice for that special someone, I realised I needed to work on myself and I needed to work on becoming the best version of myself in order to meet my future mate. Long story short after the first 2 months of practicing celibacy this girl entered my life at the gym, she showed me interest to a degree which I’ve never felt with such intensity my whole life, she seems crazy about me. The feeling is mutual and I feel the same way never have I had some one so attractive show me such huge interest. There’s other women do the same but something about her just has me hypnotised. I just tried my best to keep my head down and do me. After 2 months I couldn’t hack it I broke my celibacy due to other stresses in my life at the time and obviously increasing constant pursuing from this girl, it became a daily occurrence. The day after breaking celibacy I woke up and fainted, my eyes looked like that of a drug addict and I lost energy in a huge way. My happiness and spring in my step had some how left me I felt a mess. It is at this point I realised that I must continue with this journey. Months went by and I felt happier and freer and better about myself the more time went on, but always this girl kept getting on top of my mood, I’ve lost count how many times I’ve dreamt of her, I dreamt of her yesterday in fact. The past 4 months I have avoided her now and i think She senses me doing it deliberately, she now back away from me occasionally and it breaks my heart, I do the same back to her now and again it destroys me. There’s other times when she will still keep graviting towards me like In the past, it happened the last time I saw her but I left shortly after. 2 weeks ago after 9pm the I once again broke celibacy out of stupidity, again other life stresses came in and it’s been almost a year now and all I can think about is this women whom I’ve never even spoken to before. It’s really getting on top of me once again, I feel down about the whole thing and I’ve lost my shine and the spring in my step. The problem lies where she is a English white girl, my older brother has married a white lady and I promised myself I will do the right thing and marry a Sikh girl for my parents. Obviously I’m not the most religious person in the world, I do say thank you to god every day and I do show my appreciation, I have always done this even when I lived in sin, I always ask to be shown the right way and to help me become a better man and I feel I am doing that leading the lifestyle I am now. I guess I just need someone’s take on the matter who may have a better relationship with god than myself. My mother is quite a religious lady but it’s not something I can discuss with her, and truth be told only one friend knows I’ve adopted this lifestyle in pursuit of becoming a happier, healthier and better man. I know deep down I am not a bad person I always do right by my friends and family, I have a huge heart and I wear my heart of my sleeve as I’m a cancer start sign so I’m controlled by emotions a lot. I’m just really confused at the moment, I believe in fate and if somethings meant to be it will be and if someone’s meant to be in your life they will be so I slighty confused why god and the universe has bought this soul into my life especially has I’ve never been happier being alone and single for once and I’m happy to wait for the right Person, maybe she is the right person and colour shouldn’t matter, I can’t work this out. Maybe it’s purely Desire and lust I’m giving into here, but I truly don’t lust for her in a wrong or bad way I just feel her energy almost, I’m just compelled by her. 
 

any help greatly appreciated, apologies if I carried on abit too much

 

many thanks 

[paapiman]

1 hour ago, Shhh121 said:

she showed me interest to a degree which I’ve never felt with such intensity my whole life, she seems crazy about me. The feeling is mutual and I feel the same way never have I had some one so attractive show me such huge interest.

Welcome to the forum bro.

Don't you think if she is really interested in you, she will ask you out for a date? Are you sure she is single?

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[paapiman]

1 hour ago, Shhh121 said:

The problem lies where she is a English white girl, my older brother has married a white lady and I promised myself I will do the right thing and marry a Sikh girl for my parents

Are you based in the UK? Are you Amritdhari bro?

Did you promise your parents that you will only marry a Sikh (Punjabi) lady?

Well, in case you do end up having a relationship with this White lady and if she is interested in becoming a Sikh (or advance in her spiritual life), then she can join the Panth. It is up to her.

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[paapiman]

1 hour ago, Shhh121 said:

any help greatly appreciated, apologies if I carried on abit too much

Don't worry bro. You can ask any decent question over here. There are other experienced forum members over here. They might be able to help you too. We have a White Sikh over here too.

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[paapiman]

1 hour ago, Shhh121 said:

After 2 months I couldn’t hack it I broke my celibacy due to other stresses in my life at the time and obviously increasing constant pursuing from this girl, it became a daily occurrence.

You mean that you masturbated or had sex with a lady?

Sorry for asking. Hope you don't mind.

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[paapiman]

1 hour ago, Shhh121 said:

For the past year I practice strict celibacy, I have my reasons but I find I’m a lot better human being, a lot freer and a lot happier doing so,

Do you do Naam Simran along with practicing celibacy?

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[Shhh121]

Many thanks for input, yes I’m based in uk born and bred so my ways of thinking and upbringing was in the western world. I haven’t promised my parents anything, I just feel as if it’s the right thing to do for my family and to carry on our tradition. As I say I’m getting older now and I know I stress my parents out a lot because I know all they want for me is to settle down and start the next chapter In my life so I feel like pointless dating etc is purely a distraction and I should only truly giving my time and energy to someone whom fits the criteria. I know that sounds harsh but it’s the reality of it. I must confess I only had one serous relationship my whole life and it ended badly so it crushed me and I ended up deeper down a dark road, everything else been pointless flings which I cannot afford to do anymore I realise that. By breaking my celibacy yes I mean masturbated which I am ashamed of now, in the past I’d mindlessly behave in this manner and feel no way about it, I’ve grown to realise it’s not acceptable nor normal has the western world and way of thinking suggest, so much so I’ve completely detached myself from that world, I no longer use or view any social media, I hardly watch any tv and I no longer go out and socialise only for special occasions, it’s a horrible selfish way to live but i fear I will let my old habits back in so I must remain strong and disciplined. In regards to this girl she clearly can have her pick of a man so who knows if she is single or not, i just can’t work out why she can’t get over me and I can’t work out if I really want and like her or just desire her attention and almost crave it now, maybe I’ve turned into a narcissist I’m not sure, but I’m currently in the best shape of my life and there are other woman about equally has good looking but I can’t this one out my head I try so hard to block it out 

[Shhh121]

Apologies I don’t quite know what you meant by naam simran brother, I don’t practice paath or anything like that no. As I say I’m not the most religious person in the world. I don’t meditate or anything either, I’ve always been open to it but i just can’t bring myself round to doing it, I wouldn’t know where to start to be honest. Past few months I’ve felt amazing, best I’ve felt my whole life, my skin was glowing my eyes where shining and twinkling, I don’t know what’s happened to me I feel a total mess right now and feel lost. It’s like the more I try avoid this girl the more it hurts me and stresses me out, I’m a fully grown man and I feel like a teen in school right now I t doesn’t make sense to me 

[paapiman]

36 minutes ago, Shhh121 said:

i just can’t work out why she can’t get over me

How do you know that she is interested in you? She hasn't even talked to you yet right?

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[Shhh121]

Correct, it’s purely the sheer amount of choosing signals she gives me and the lengths she goes to be around me and follow me about and always be in my vicinity. The looks she gives me, I feel it- it’s my intuition I guess. Maybe I am being narcassistic I don’t know, I generally can gauge when someone is keen on me though, they make it easy for me to approach them. Let’s face no women in todays society or very few are going to make a move on a guy first, most women don’t have the continence for this and are too insecure about being rejected. Truth be told I can tell many men fall at her feet and I just chose not too, maybe this is why I stand out who knows though it can all be in my own imagination. Do you think it’s wise of me to continue to avoid her or Carry on as normal or atleast try my best to, because either way it hurts whatever I do. I know I can quite easily find a partner and a mate, wether it’s marriage material and the girl I fall for is a different matter, that’s ultimately my dilemma here too  

[paapiman]

39 minutes ago, Shhh121 said:

Apologies I don’t quite know what you meant by naam simran brother, I don’t practice paath or anything like that no. As I say I’m not the most religious person in the world. I don’t meditate or anything either, I’ve always been open to it but i just can’t bring myself round to doing it, I wouldn’t know where to start to be honest. Past few months I’ve felt amazing, best I’ve felt my whole life, my skin was glowing my eyes where shining and twinkling, I don’t know what’s happened to me I feel a total mess right now and feel lost. It’s like the more I try avoid this girl the more it hurts me and stresses me out, I’m a fully grown man and I feel like a teen in school right now I t doesn’t make sense to me 

IMHO bro, you will have to do intense Naam Simran (Mantar Meditation, Paath, etc) if you want to practice celibacy for a long period of time. There are potentially many benefits to Semen Retention. 

You can start off by reciting a small Gurbani Mantar for a specific time period on a daily basis. It is not that hard.

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[paapiman]

6 minutes ago, Shhh121 said:

Correct, it’s purely the sheer amount of choosing signals she gives me and the lengths she goes to be around me and follow me about and always be in my vicinity. The looks she gives me, I feel it- it’s my intuition I guess. Maybe I am being narcassistic I don’t know, I generally can gauge when someone is keen on me though, they make it easy for me to approach them. Let’s face no women in todays society or very few are going to make a move on a guy first, most women don’t have the continence for this and are too insecure about being rejected. Truth be told I can tell many men fall at her feet and I just chose not too, maybe this is why I stand out who knows though it can all be in my own imagination. Do you think it’s wise of me to continue to avoid her or Carry on as normal or atleast try my best to, because either way it hurts whatever I do. I know I can quite easily find a partner and a mate, wether it’s marriage material and the girl I fall for is a different matter, that’s ultimately my dilemma here too  

Gurparsaad, Daas is a virgin. So, I might be the last guy who should be giving you advices on these matters.

But, here are two options:

• Do Ardaas daily at Amritvela to Sri Satguru jee so that he guides you through this difficult phase.
• Talk to her and ask her directly if she is single or not (if you are not worried at all about being rejected). By the way, how old is she? 

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[Shhh121]

Many thanks do you have an info or can you please point me in the right direction on how to start? As I said I do truly wish to become a better person and I do feel like semen retention is doing this for me, I view life differently. I feel different inside my own skin, I feel purer and healthier and almost cleaner. I only eat whole clean foods, I look after myself a lot more I take care and pride in myself now, This is the total opposite to the former me and the former lifestyle I led. It’s just this thing with this girl drags my mood down, other then that I couldn’t be happier. Before I broke celibacy for the 2nd time 2 weeks ago after a 9 month streak I could look directly in the sun and it wouldn’t effect my eyes whatsoever, I felt as if it enriched me, gave me some kind of energy inside, now I look at the sun and it blinds me as it did in the past and tears come out my eyes 

[Shhh121]

I guess your right, pray and remain strong and continue on my journey and trust the process, knowing that god will let happen whatever is meant to happen for me. Or as you say take action and follow whatever it is bugging me inside, I’m not so much affraid of being rejected I’d feel a fool personally asking her now after almost a year, that and she’s not a Sikh or atleast Indian girl so I’d be going against what I set out to find. I have no idea on her age she could be anything from mid 20s - early 30s it’s hard to tell with women. She does seem to have a huge passion to workout like myself though and she’s very fit and strong so it must be a big thing in her life as it is mine. Honesty I don’t know what answer I’m even looking for I just feel like I have a huge weight on my shoulder and I need to talk about it to someone, maybe help me see some sense in this all 

[paapiman]

4 minutes ago, Shhh121 said:

Many thanks do you have an info or can you please point me in the right direction on how to start? As I said I do truly wish to become a better person and I do feel like semen retention is doing this for me, I view life differently. I feel different inside my own skin, I feel purer and healthier and almost cleaner. I only eat whole clean foods, I look after myself a lot more I take care and pride in myself now, This is the total opposite to the former me and the former lifestyle I led. It’s just this thing with this girl drags my mood down, other then that I couldn’t be happier. Before I broke celibacy for the 2nd time 2 weeks ago after a 9 month streak I could look directly in the sun and it wouldn’t effect my eyes whatsoever, I felt as if it enriched me, gave me some kind of energy inside, now I look at the sun and it blinds me as it did in the past and tears come out my eyes 

Do you know how to read Gurmukhi?

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[Shhh121]

I don’t no sorry  

[paapiman]

5 minutes ago, Shhh121 said:

I don’t no sorry  

You can start off with a simple Gurbani Mantar. Can you pronounce (or recognize) the words below? Those are the first words of the Mool Mantar.

 

ੴ ਸਤਿਨਾਮੁ

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[paapiman]

47 minutes ago, Shhh121 said:

I guess your right, pray and remain strong and continue on my journey and trust the process, knowing that god will let happen whatever is meant to happen for me. Or as you say take action and follow whatever it is bugging me inside, I’m not so much affraid of being rejected I’d feel a fool personally asking her now after almost a year, that and she’s not a Sikh or atleast Indian girl so I’d be going against what I set out to find. I have no idea on her age she could be anything from mid 20s - early 30s it’s hard to tell with women. She does seem to have a huge passion to workout like myself though and she’s very fit and strong so it must be a big thing in her life as it is mine. Honesty I don’t know what answer I’m even looking for I just feel like I have a huge weight on my shoulder and I need to talk about it to someone, maybe help me see some sense in this all 

So for the past one year, you have never ever seen her with a man (who seemed to be like her boyfriend)?

 

Bhul chuk maaf

[Shhh121]

Sorry brother I cannot read Punjabi whatsoever  as I said I’m really westernised and not very religious, although I do have strong belief in our religion and god. As I said I only ever see her and know her from the gym so I can’t say I have ever seen her with any guy or talk to any

[dalsingh101]

1 hour ago, Shhh121 said:

Sorry brother I cannot read Punjabi whatsoever "> as I said I’m really westernised and not very religious, although I do have strong belief in our religion and god.

This seems a VERY self-contradictory statement bro? It's confusing.  

 

 

[Shhh121]

Basically I’m not very religious in the sense that I don’t regularly visit the gudwara, I don’t practice paath or anything of that nature. I simply pray daily just to say thanks and to ask for guidance, everytime something good/positive happens in my life I thank god because I know it’s his doing, likewise if anything bad happens I ask for help. 

[Gupt Wannabe Daas]

@Shhh121

WJKK WJKF (Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh),

Veer I have also struggled with Kaam(lust) and other desires and so as a fellow paapi(sinner) I advise you to stay well away from these desires as they will engulf you and not let you leave. You have said you are in your mid 30s and so I strongly advise that you get married but ask someone else or your parents to look for you as if you look for someone by yourself your bound to fall into the trap of lust again. To be honest because you are not well acquainted with Sikhi I can help you on a Sikhi plane as that would take a lot of time and i wouldn't be able to explain that over a forum. However I am full of sins and made many mistakes in my life and so I think that you may need help from other experienced Sikhs that are 1000000000000x better than me. I will suggest some YouTube channels however I believe the only perfect being that you can ask is Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji so try and start listening to Kirtan and paath even it you don't understand as it will have a significant effect on your brain as that sound that is produced in kirtan and paath is on another level. Anyways that is my own experience.

The YouTube channels I recommend that explain things in English are: 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCevfxDIvmjSkE9KIwlf6-MQ

https://www.youtube.com/user/basicsofsikhi?app=desktop

Both YouTube channels above have videos on relationships from a Sikhi view but in English so you can understand.

Remember though I make many many mistakes and am full of sins and have no experience as a true Sikh of the guru and so if I have said anything that is wrong or not according to gurmat( the guru's thinking) then please forgive me and pray for me so I may be able to follow the path our beloved gurus made for the whole of humanity.

Please forgive my many mistakes that I have made.

WJKK WJKF(Waheguru Ji ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh)

 

[Shhh121]

Many Thanks for reply and providing YouTube videos, I will certainly take a look with a open mind and heart, much appreciated. I do admit and see now that lust and acting on lust is bad and also a sin. Practicing celibacy has taught me this and made it apparent to me more so. I do also believe in fate and you meet people for a reason. I do find good looking women attractive dont get me wrong, I am human after all. Since practicing celibacy I don’t have sexual urges like I previously did, my desire to fall in love, give my love and be loved outweighs that a million times over, I can say that hand on heart. I don’t suddenly develop feeling for any good looking female and start longing for them,  I just feel something for her inside, it’s a feeling I cannot explain. I can sense she may be feeling it too. Who knows though. As you say I am old enough now and I do need to settle down which is why I’m trying to remain strong, grounded and disclipined and do the right thing here. It’s just something I cannot shake off, mentally I’ve turned weak as of late, I’m like a shell of a man I was few months ago, physically i appear stronger but mentally I lack the Edge and zest I had, she’s sucking my energy almost

[Shhh121]

I’ve come to a realisation tonight, or atleast what I think may be going. So as mentioned I’ve come from not a great place internally and mentally, I was never truly happy nor happy happy with myself, I’ve always seeked external sources to give me temporary happiness or what I thought was happiness at the time. This in itself is all wrong, I realise now that true happiness comes from searching within and being at ease within and almost free as a a result of it. As mentioned shortly after starting celibacy back in late April 2020 so a year ago now, this girl came into my presence as did others, but I’ll ignore them there irrelevant to me and my current situation. Obviously I’ve been single a very long time my last partner was back in 2016. Years went by and I never did the whole relationship thing as I was hurt and cut up bag with the girl I was in relationship with. Then lockdown came in and I’ve not had any real interaction with a female since. So I’ve not been physically active in years to be honest, nor have I received any real interest. So along came this girl who was something I previously wouldn’t attract in my wildest dreams, obviously I’m practicing celibacy at this point and I’ve come to ease and peace with waiting for miss right and a woman I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with, so I guess It was a simple no go for me. Now obviously I was feeling great getting all this attention from her and others and I was beginning to lead a healthier life through celibacy, other addictions were no longer a thing as I essentially was going head on against my sexual desires, quite possibly one of hardest things a healthy male can do. So I was in a good place mentally I guess. I felt good about myself, I felt happy and was taking care of my appearance and the way I dressed as a result of it all. Now I don’t know wether this was to attract her furthermore subconsciously or if I was truly feeling great, or perhaps even both I guess. Now that I’ve been avoiding her and she occasionally does it back to me now something she never did before, I almost feel like I’m losing her in some way? And I guess even losing what I thought was my happiness, and I guess I almost feel like now why am I even bothering to go to all these lengths to look good and be the best version of myself anymore. I know it’s all for me and me only it always was about me hence why I started and stepped foot into this journey but it’s just what it feels like to me right now. I know it’s also for my future wife too, I must become the best version of myself for her and also my family and loved ones but to me it feels this way, maybe but entirely this way but perhaps there’s some truth somewhere in what I’ve wrote. Obviously other women stil do pick up on my efforts but I carry this negative energy around with me from having this girl in my mind all the time and I guess I don’t give any one else a chance or even a second look, that’s what it feels like to me. Who knows?!? Talking this through I feel is helping me express my feelings so I Appreciate everyone’s listening ears and input, I literally have not told a soul about this so I carry this weight around on my shoulders, thanks guys sincerely 

[paapiman]

5 hours ago, Shhh121 said:

I’m like a shell of a man I was few months ago, physically i appear stronger but mentally I lack the Edge and zest I had, she’s sucking my energy almost

This can happen bro. There is a sakhi (story) very similar to this, which Daas heard in a Katha.

 

Bhul chuk maaf