tryingtoimprove

so woke up 7:15 am, struggle is real. Did 5 banis and 1 mala of moolmantar so far. will update the rest. Celibacy:Day 2

Yeah, I agree with you guys. I am trying to do too much all at once. Lets start again from the beginning. Day 1 ( 5 Mar 2016) - woke up 6:30 am, did 5 Banis, and did 10 malas so far. It was tough to sit down. Mind restless. 32 is a big number. It requires so much mental stamina. - celibacy: Day 1

going to hold off on this, not seems to be working so far.

I understand you brother, it is very tough...lets see how it goes though.

Day 2 ( 3 mar 2016) Amritvela: none, woke up 7:30am, 5 Banis done, rest is still pending Moolmantar: pending, Celibacy: Day 2

.

.

.

I guess the positive side is that 30 day original goal was successful, could only maintain upto 46 days though. I am thinking of starting a 40 day blog about doing Japp to tackle the problem of this lust. I am not getting married anytime soon, so I am not worried if lust stops temporarily. Only thing I am worried about is , that 40 day japp would end being a failure since I am advertising here, and might not go all the way. I will hear the sangats view and then decide.

I F***ED UP!!! I was on Day 46 of no fap when suddenly this whole day started off bad in a negative way...negativity creeped in, coupled with desperation & hopelessness watched up bad stuff & let loose of control. I cannot believe myself. I was hoping that I would reach Day 90 and make an update here. Now I have to start off from day 0 again . I hate this & hate my life. This is just a small component of my life, but now starting again man... I cannot get married there is still time till then..so till then I have to keep trying. This really sucks yaar. Have to start off again shit. On this path one always have to be consicous & active. I guess I will start again & keep updating here. I guess its still a progress 46 days..I just hope that I dont do it again tomorrow & day after tomorrow & so on and fall into deep pit again. also need to take care of other aspects of life too. I hope I can make it past day 46 next time...I will miss this time period :( 1st march 2016, i hate you 1st march.

Day 23 ( 14 feb 2016, sunday) - had a wetdream this morning, 3 days previously was troubled by thoughts a lot, also watched nudity on two occasions 2 days ago, but luckily no hastha-maithuna, - nofap: Day 30 - when mind runs a lot, it dissipates energy, causing frustration & can lead to weakness & fall. gotta be more watchful of obsesive thoughts that come & avoiding compulsions to reduce anxiety.

Day 19 ( 10 feb 2016) - had a wetdream early morning ( 1:30 am) before waking up , and another one 9 am when taking a nap. supandoshx2. I guess all this celibacy has let the built up. the first wd was after 17 days, 2nd was after 10 days, 3rd was after 8 hours. Sleep does seem to have a relation with lust. - How do I feel ? I am not feeling sad at the moment just indifferent. I will keep up with the celibacy/pmo ( Day 26). This is a life long process, and requires tackling of several life issues. Celibacy is just a part of it. It takes time to rewire the brain circuits, so I will stay patient and keep updating. Strength is def increasing by one rep everytime. However, these wdreams may bump it down by 3-4 reps or even a decrease in max. Lets c how the rest goes...

...feeling down...its tough to keep up constantly...f__ life...nothing is going to change...pralabdh is too strong

Day 16 ( 7 Feb, 2016) - Amritvela &Nitnem has been consistent with Maharaj's kirpa. So didn't feel like updating these in a while. Hope it stays this way. - no pmo: day 23 Yesterday, was feeling a high, unconquerable & really motivated. But knew that would not last that long. Today, was not much high, feeling a bit down. Thank God, this has really helped with the weights. Strength is improving 1 rep at a time, but its slowly going up. Earlier, I would hit a plateau or even go down, but now its been consistent. I can sit longer, legs do get tired but they get used to it. My brain fog has improved. And I am more aggressive in my thinking. Feeling more alpha, slightly. Hope this continues. However, have to be alert all times, one slip and things can go downhill very fast. But emotions are definitely on a roller-coster, up & down, negative & positive, they can change in instant. If I cut down on the negativity that helps a lot. Tomorrow is New Moon Day, Masya. So atleast, half of this month has been okay. Looking forward to next half. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts Gursikho!

Thanks for the enouragement! yes sir, this danger is very very real until is passes away and drifts off for a while. I do think there is a cycle behind these lustful attacks. Either they happen every 3,4 or 7 days, one day it will be hard, next day no lust, another day depression or negativity hits. I am definitely busy with a project at the moment, so that is def. helping. Only time will tell, how far I can go. So far, Gurus kirpa has stayed and I am currently on nofap/no-pmo* day 22 (no pmo= porn/mast/orgasm) I will collectively use term pmo, because celibacy is not the right term , because I am not celibate in thoughts, celibacy un-intentionally induces haumai, I dont want any ego or haumai, I only want Gurus grace to carry my boat across....its still trying to get to middle and being rocked by strong ocean waves in forms of lust, depression, self-worthlessness, hopelessness and encouraged with bursts of motivation, hope & positivity from now & then.