GurpreetKaur

Bhen Ji have you thought about doing some things which might help step you up to bigger things you mentioned?
If driving a car seems to be too much what about maybe learning how to drive a scooter? I see MANY girls riding 'scooties' in India. And even full fledged motorcycles too! A bike or scooter is less intimidating than a car, are easier to maneouver in small spaces etc. and scooters are automatic. Full motorcycles have a clutch and gear though... but its still not difficult to learn (I have my motorcycle license actually) I am not sure where in US you are living, it might only help you in Summer / Fall / Spring if you are somewhere that has snow in winter, but will give you a lot of independence for much of the year still.  Also, learn the public transport system where you are so you can travel around freely, by yourself. Independence doesn't necessarily require a vehicle of your own. Plenty of people use public transport simply because it's easier than traffic etc. and cheaper than parking - like in New York City. And getting a job certainly does not require a vehicle or license unless of course the job is to be a driver. For a job try looking for groups that assist immigrants etc. in your area. Here we have a company that people can literally show up any day of the week, and that company is hired to take care of odd jobs... at other companies, people's residences etc. The jobs can range from cleaning, small construction projects (no experience necessary), moving items, grounds keeping etc. And the jobs are dolled out on first come first serve basis and paid the day of.  It's a system that has helped some of the immigrants here until they could find stable work. See if your area has something similar.  Print out a simple resume, listing your strenghts and your interests. Be sure to state you are interested in anything to gain experience and you are willing and eagre to learn. Print of a hundred of them and drop them EVERYWHERE! Every corner store, gas station, call centre, shopping mall stores, restaurants, hotels etc. Be sure to mention also that you will work any hours. At first you can't be picky. Being felxible will help you. Also see if your area has an employment office where you can make partake in free work training etc. that will help you.  If you take these positive steps, you will naturally start to feel more empowered. I also HIGHLY recommend volunteering in the community (animal shelter, hospital, senior citizen nursing home, red cross, etc). Not only will it give you self confidence, your feeling of being any sort of burden will completely dissappear as you are doing seva, and its a good way to make contacts in the community and friends. Contacts that may also lead to employment opportunities etc.
Finally, you are NOT NOT NOT a failure!!! Don't EVER think this!  Life is not always easy. When things are not good we have the choice to either sit and take it and feel disheartened.... OR we can do everything in our power to change our situation. Be always in Chardikala. Refuse to be in situation that makes you feel like that. As an adult anyway, you have the power to decide your own path. Stay positive! You were put here by Waheguru Ji for a purpose!
 
 

Sister, why cannot you get a job, without a driver's license?
 
Bhul chuk maaf

Sister, have you take Khanday da amrit yet?
 
Bhul chuk maaf

I dont mean to shit you up or anything, but this does seem like a typical case of jaadu tuna (black magic). Trust me you are still at a age where you can change but you need to be strong. as in most situations as yourself things can get worse for a while when you start to recite gurbani meditate etc..
I have also been in a similar situation but i was ignorant to the dark forces and invited light energy after a whole lot of damage was done..
If you possibly can let sukhmani sahib path continuosly play in your room (also recite if you can). im not well equipped in gurbani but dukh daroo sukh rog paya ja sukh taam ha hoyi springs to mind....its only worldly pain that gives us ultimate sukh/bliss as this is when we devout and surrender to an energy that has no initial logical meaning..hence you dive into spirituality which is when you start to live less in the mind..
also remember no matter how hard it is there will be a time when you look back at this dark times an take it as a blessing..probably the last thing you want to hear, people used to say it to me all the time..but time is healing..
bhagat fareed says he though his house was on fire but when he stood on the hill he saw all houses on fire...theres deeper spiritual meanings but lets just take the basic physical material world as a meaning of 'we think we got problems but every household has'...trust me theres people in a lot worse situation..be blessed that you in these dark times can recite gurbani and listen to katha...
always look at the guru in everyhing meaning that which brings you out of darkness into light... maybe the so called friends you could have made would have led you into darker habits who knows.. ask your satiguru to bring quality of friends who are god minded... 
your jigsaw pieces seem to be scattered at the moment with satigurus kirpa they will be put in place for you to start seeing a clear pic..
 

Saddened to read of your plight, but grateful that in all of the misery you are drawn towards Waheguru ji. We are always sometimes or another faced with hardships in life which we wish we didn't have to deal with on a day to day basis. It may help you to seek professional counseling so you can open up to some one who knows how to help you heal and can be an confidential ear for you to let out all that anguish and overcome these deep sometimes scaring experiences that life throws our way.
Try to reduce the negativity in yourself and not think of yourself as a burden. Always remember WaheGuru put you here for a reason, and that is:
This human body has been given to you.
bha-ee paraapat maanukh dayhuree-aa.
This is your chance to meet the Lord of the Universe.
gobind milan kee ih tayree baree-aa.
Nothing else will work.
avar kaaj tayrai kitai na kaam.
Join the Saadh Sangat, the Company of the Holy; vibrate and meditate on the Jewel of the Naam.
mil saaDhsangat bhaj kayval naam
 
Try and occupy as much time as you can by reading gurbani, do paath or simran. Which ever you enjoy. Use that as a basis to combat these negative emotions you are feeling. Over time with Guru's grace the less time you devote to negativity the less it will have an effect on you. Beat this negative mind with the sword of the gurmantar with full dhyan on the sound as you jap.
Something extremely positive I read a while ago was:
It is often said that only 1 in a Billion meets God. That person will be Me!

My heart goes out to you. It will be difficult to get a good life, but you've already taken the first step by coming to this forum and sharing. That's a big starting step and I believe that you can do it and take it further and achieve a good life that you want.
In order to get that life, you gotta ask yourself, what is the ONE THING you can do right now that will improve your state?

Recognize that your life is ALL Chaos, NO Order. Everything is messed up and nothing seems to be in a good place.

So the idea is to try to establish some kind of order, some kind of rhythm. Try to get into some kind of a structured life and then go from there.

You want to start introducing activities that will provide a much needed structure to your life.

1. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time. Maintain your circadian rhythms. (awake during light, asleep during dark)
2. Get any job that you can get. Any job. because a job will give you a strong structure to build your life.
3. Do you have friends? Start meeting people.
4. Go to the Gurudwara and meditate.
5. Get driving lessons and get used to driving, slowly but surely you will do it.
etc

When you start doing these kind of things that give your life some order that you can build around. It is a like a foundation of a building.

Make it really easy. Pick just ONE THING you can do immediately, right now and start working on that... right now.

Bit of an update since I have had the dream of Guru Nanak Dev Ji days ago. The dream has left quite an imprint in my mind and various scenes from that dream constantly appear before my mind's eye when I'm doing simran now which can make it difficult to concentrate on the dhun of the gurmantar. On some occasions it leads to quite a bit of biraag which seems to bubble up and flow. Been consulting a few people about it there seems to be two opinions as to whether this was progress or a hindrance which kind of left me confused.
Some think it is a positive step and say it happened to offer guidance and blessing. It also shows that the mind is beginning to do abhiyas in dreams which means it is hitting the subconscious mind. Because there was an emotional and physical response following the dream it was no ordinary dream. There are a few pangtis in Guru Maharaj that mention this.
Another side say that even having dreams of Guru ji is still an illusion and the mind is trying to delude me in place known as harichandauri. Continue to work harder on abhiyas of Gurmantar with focused dhyan to further still the mind during the day. That in turn will help reduce the onset of dreams at night and help reduce the onset of such illusions.
Brief explanation given in the following passage.
Difficulties in the path of crossing Trehkuti:
The spiritual seeker trying to transcend Trehkuti also called Bikham Nadee (Turbulent River) will face a delusion in the form of Parkaash (luminous light). This is the light of five elements. The element of fire will be of red color, element of water of white, element of air of green, element of earth of yellow and the element of ether or sky will be of blue or black color. The maya is always on the move and Truth and Naam are immovable. Our physical body of five elements is a cloth given over Naam. The subtle five elements revolve around naam inside our body. At this stage, we see clips similar to those of movies. In this delusion a seeker can see subtle make-believe forms of gurus, prophets and other holy figures. In fact, these manifesting delusions are an effort by Kaal to hinder seekers entry into Nij-ghar (The Tenth Door). The Parkaash of the Five Elements creates this delusion. This is nothing but Maya’s deluding network. In Gurbani this illusory phenomena is called mirage (Gandarbh Nagri or Harchandauri). Mind caught in this web of illusion cannot realize its true self. Gurbani forbids entry into this web of delusion.
marig tisnaa paykh bhulnay vuthay nagar gandharab.
Seeing the mirage, the optical illusion, the people are confused and deluded.
(SGGS 1425)
harichand-uree daykh moothaa koorh sayjaa raavi-aa.
Beholding an illusion, you are deceived, and on your bed, you enjoy a false lover.
marig tarisnaa ar supan manorath taa kee kachh na vadaa-ee.
Illusions and dream-objects possess nothing of greatness.
When we will move forward by merging in Naam, the air will end.At the same time the light of five elements will also end. Crossing Trikuti, when seekers consciousness gains entry into the Nij-Ghar also called Thir-Ghar (the Tenth Door)
Anyway just thought I'd share both perspectives should anyone else encounter such situations as it helps keep one grounded and focused on the journey ahead.
May Guru ji continue to show us the correct way forward...

I have not completed reading this whole post yet, I think I just reached page 15 and would like to say I am so excited to start Naam simran, Sat1176. Bhai sahib ji, I am so grateful for you to post your experiences. i am a beginner and new to my roots but I have love which only emerged waheguru ji di kirpa.
I will start reading Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaj too, you just inspired me and also other Gursikhs posting on this thread too. Hopefully, I will be able to reach at least 10% of what you are all at.
Thank you for creating this discussion. It's amazing.

I have not completed reading this whole post yet, I think I just reached page 15 and would like to say I am so excited to start Naam simran, Sat1176. Bhai sahib ji, I am so grateful for you to post your experiences. i am a beginner and new to my roots but I have love which only emerged waheguru ji di kirpa.
I will start reading Guru Granth Sahib Ji Maharaj too, you just inspired me and also other Gursikhs posting on this thread too. Hopefully, I will be able to reach at least 10% of what you are all at.
Thank you for creating this discussion. It's amazing.